Experiencing, reflecting

That silver lining

2011-12-17T01:27:00.000+09:00

This was taken from Trawling Tuesdays tumblr. I like it. :)

sloth

2011-10-25T16:43:00.001+09:00

I swear I must be the laziest person on earth.

So.. the parents won an ice cream maker at some lucky draw. How cool is that? Now I can actually make use of those ice cream recipes I found. The reality is, I nit pick about everything. Egg yolks? What am I going to do with the white? And I don’t really like the idea of eating raw eggs. Half boiled eggs do not count. An entire can of condensed milk??!!? My arteries clogged up by the mere thought of it. Ignorance is BLISS.

So the only thing I was willing to make was Raspberry and Blackberry yogurt ice cream. Absolutely yummy. It was easy.. just dump yogurt, some honey, and blended fruits in, then again, I am a sloth so I left most of the fruits as chunky as possible. After all, nothing beats being pleasantly surprised by a big juicy fruit as you dig your greedy spoon into a tub of ice cream. What pleases me most is that the cost is almost zero, at least for this trial. Left over frozen berries from my previous brownie adventures, yogurt that seems to be an endless supply in my fridge and honey. Viola! What a great summer treat.. oh wait, this is Singapore, it is summer all year round. Alright, maybe I can invite a friend or two over one of these days for a delicious treat. Next on my list are scones!! Found a simple recipe... and I want to wake up one day to scones and jam.

Anyway, my friend is in Bali. Seriously? Left without a word. -.-
And my co-partner is in Australia, leaving me to do the sandwich boards all by myself.

Visual cue: Time check is 2am. Art materials everywhere. Hands dirty with glue. Getting tired. Sleep. Wake up to a mess and attempt to explain to the mother that some random drunkard entered my room and made that mess. The mother will not buy that.

Anyway, I think I have a much clearer direction in terms of my future. However, it still needs much thinking and staring at the ceiling... gah..

The reason why I'm broke

2011-10-20T17:09:00.000+09:00

NO WORK/FREELANCE TODAY!! Oh and yesterday too. Cheers.

There are days where I am thankful for being unemployed (of sorts)... but man, I am bored filling in a gazillion forms with my personal particulars, my education qualifications, blah blah blah. Absolute waste of man-hours!! Oh.. and I need to stop watching plays like there’s no tomorrow. I think I have only been to the movies three times this year, not that it bothers me. After all, none of my friends talk about movies much. Ok, except Avatar and Steel Man. Yes, I am probably one of those rare species out there that has no idea what Avatar is about. Gahh.. Whatever.

Now, let’s make a list of the plays I have watched this year
Ma(r)king of Nanjing
Monster
What Did You Learn Today?
Balek Kampong
Emily of Emerald Hill
Utter
The Little Prince
The Weight of Silk on Skin
Charged
Equus
The Fear of Writing
The Adventures of the Mad Chinaman

And more...
Decimal Points
Gemuk Girls
Wicked

Oh... so that’s why I’m broke. Right... ok. Who would like to hire me?

small feet

2011-08-31T16:54:00.001+09:00

How is it that it is so difficult to be children?????

There are simply too many expectations, and shoes that are way too big for any child to fill :(

Secrets

2011-07-31T03:13:00.002+09:00

Sometimes I am not sure what to make of it when you say you miss me and that you thought of me. Along the way, we stopped talking like we used to because of something trivial. Our eyes lit up when we met… for a second or two. That, however, was short lived. We went along our way, not sure if there were any other alternatives. We trudge on.

The thing is… I miss you. I wonder if you are having fun. I hope you are happy. Are you still that contemplative, quiet person I fell in love with?

Today, I met someone who reminded me of you. Charming, sincere, and I felt so comfortable talking about art, theatre, literature, places, home to this stranger… That person told me to take a photo today. I could just take a photo, as though it’s of little significance. No, I thought of you. Your silly smile, that unstoppable laughter, your cheeky actions, that frown that I so love… And I realize the photo I want to take is of you driving downtown. The car was our safe haven.

Grab my hands tightly, let’s run till our lungs explode, smile so widely that our faces becomes maps, play our silly games like that’s all there is to life. No, that would be too naïve. Let it be the beginning of something good…

Tonight, when I close my eyes, please be there.

Live and deal with pain

2011-07-27T17:43:00.001+09:00

Living with pain

There is a reason why God did not create me to an athlete. 5 years of training and I would probably drop dead/lose a limb/be bed ridden for the rest of my life. Tick one of the above.

Week one of training, and I was greeted with a cough and a flu. The sort that makes you lose appetite, gasp for air and scream for some knockout medication that will enable you to sleep without waking up to some coughing fit. Try imagining a coughing fit so bad that it will chase the monsters under the bed away. Anyway, according to my research, it is alright to continue exercising even if you are sick. Just as long as you are not running a fever or having an aching body. Even if a tap replaced my nose, I was out there running. Blocked nose? No worries, breathe through your mouth, and then go into a coughing fit. The rule of the thumb is never stop running because you will break your momentum. I am very persevering that way. Dangle a competitor in front of me and I am running like a cheetah…only on slow motion as shown on Animal Planet.

Recently, my bones aged. I ignore that nagging pain in my knees as I climb up the stairs because out of the blue, my threshold for pain is rather high. Bend, crawl, jump, roll, skip, and more squats? Yea, sure, let’s do them all. It is all about mind over body!! I shrugged and said, hey at least it only hurts when I bend my knees, and especially so when I climb the stairs. That day, we ran and just as we were running towards the gate, oh boy, each landing would jolt me out of my sleepy state. Ooo… the more I ran, the pain was out of my mind; or maybe I was distracted by something else. Yeah! I can conquer anything.

When I got out of bed the next day, besides having a bruised back from the workshop, my knees was filled with bruises and oh, walking was a chore. Good job. What am I going to do about it? Nothing(at the moment). Rest for 2 days?

Yes, I should NEVER be some athlete. I will probably carry on with my sport even if I have a million injuries and still continue accumulating more till I get bedridden or die. True story.

Impressed by local writers

2011-06-25T00:23:00.000+09:00

The hands of the clock, like the wheels of the world, are ceaseless, and incorrigibly so for a waiting man. –T.S Elliot

I want to be extraordinary together, not ordinary apart. So love me back. Yearn the touch of my hand across your face, miss the smell of my hair that reminds you of rose hips and chamomile, come back and plant a gentle kiss on my ips and tell me you want me…Let me love you. –Aefiel Thea

canvas

2011-06-21T14:24:00.002+09:00

She didn't want to get out of bed at all today.
The thought of staring at the computer screen made her drowsy.
She stared at the ceiling while listening to The Flaming Lips.
That amazing sound.. music. Beautiful.
Pleasing to her ears
It sounded surreal
The echoes bounced off the walls
5 minutes, 17 seconds...and it was over.

Her future is a white canvas with specks of dust, badly crying out to be white washed.
White, a colour of her choice.
The mother would rather it be green
The father, blue
The friend, red

People are tugging her canvas
forward
backward
back and forth
side to side
up and down
why are they fighting to colour her canvas?
Have they lost theirs?

With a sigh, she switched on her computer, like a robot
the daily mails
real time updates from friends
facebook notifications
she glanced through them
Rarely would she check her facebook updates...
today, she did.

A pleasant surprise.

She grabbed the canvas
ran to a corner
did a little dance
kissed the canvas
and said,
"You are mine"

dreamer

2011-06-18T15:06:00.001+09:00

What do you do with a B.A. in English,
What is my life going to be?
Four years of college and plenty of knowledge,
Have earned me this useless degree.

I can't pay the bills yet,
'Cause I have no skills yet,
The world is a big scary place.

But somehow I can't shake,
The feeling I might make,
A difference,
To the human race.

Ever since I graduated, I have been refining and sending out resumes to various organizations. Can’t help but feel old and scared. Years of acquiring knowledge at institutions ends here…for now…

Why do I feel so inadequate despite studying for 22 years? When I look at the job descriptions, I feel as though I do not meet the mark. I laugh at myself for getting a rather useless degree, but still smile at the fact that the friends I made at varsity are really awesome! ☺

With so much time on my hand, I have read so much that I have resolved that no matter how busy/tired I am when I eventually get a job, I want to continue reading books and plays. Recently, I read Vincent Van Gough’s letters. My heart sank whenever his letter back home sounded so sad and devoid of hope. It seems like all the love from his family and the talent he possessed was not enough to satisfy by talented guy.

The truth is, although I have been sending out many resumes, I am not particularly anxious about wanting to get the job. It is far from my dream job. Until I went back to my internship company to get my referral letter and was introduced to a new gallery that is currently hiring. THAT job got my heart racing. I want it. To combine both my love for visual arts and to some extent, power to do research to implement changes and innovation sounds extremely challenging. However, I am beyond thrilled. I WANT that job.
Although I didn’t get a higher grade for my research paper as I thought I would get, I enjoyed the process. In a masochistic way, I enjoyed the late nights, the close to break down on the day of the presentation, the days spent at starbucks refining and redefining my research. Acquiring knowledge got my toes tingling with joy. I am going to spend some time to write a good cover letter. I wake up excited to work on my resume and job hunt… and THAT is a job I want to wake up to.
Before this, my job hunt was filled with many dreams that distracted me.

Perhaps I should be a pilot? Then the thought of having hundreds of passengers’ lives on my shoulders deterred me from thinking further.

How about I be a poor artist? Join artist village and create? My parents’ wrath came upon me and I woke up from that dream.

How about doing events? After all I do have connections.

My dreams…. Who will make what of it? s

The lovers, the dreamers and me

2011-05-20T16:15:00.001+09:00

I remember those curses whenever we had to do our internship report. Recently, someone I met during my internship added me on facebook. Being an intern with some other responsibility that day, I was unsure whether to go forward to say hi, but I guess that person caught my eager eyes. Having worked with this person on previous projects, I like what she stood her. She is quite an inspiration.

Out of curiosity, I went to her profile page and got a link to a website with details about her projects. Mind-blowing. I like the cause and the motivation behind her works. I was very impressed.

...

Honestly, I wonder if things would be different if I were not brought up in a rather traditional chinese family. Would I dare to dream? When my sister and I shared a room, we used to annoy each other with incessant chatter when we have trouble sleeping. She asked me why I do not involve myself heavily in the performing arts. That time, my answer was clear. I want to and I will. She probed further, what about money. And I replied, it may not be a lot, but I am young, I am going to explore! My sister agreed with me.

I remember that conversation in the dark because it is a dream of mine that I have shelved. My friend told me his internship at one of my dream company. My heart burst with joy for him, but a part of my heart also sank six feet under. I felt like I had betrayed myself. A part of me died. I wanted to collapse and do a Lear rage.

I wanted to immediately email that director for a position with her too. Yet, I have grown to think of the responsibilities on my shoulders as well. It sucks. Maybe this is the cue to sing the Tos’R’Us song.

Sigh. What am I to do??

Are you a dreamer?

in a nutshell

2011-05-20T03:27:00.000+09:00

Things to do:
Send resumes
Post-grad research
Meet J to toss ideas and for fresh perspectives
Vietnam itinerary
Japan itinerary
SPI retreat planning
BLC family day game plans
Playmax costumes
read playmax script
Cards for friends
oversee yb plans
patiently wait for reply from prof! grrr...

What's wrong with the arts mama?

2011-05-14T01:42:00.001+09:00

I can’t believe I have been mulling over whether to go for the Biennale for days! So far, I have only covered the exhibits at SAM. It was not at all inspiring or impressive. To my horror, I found past Biennale works being re-showcased!! WHY!!???! Furthermore, I saw a work that could possibly be interesting but well, the museum swept all the broken glass into a neat long line. Where is the mess? And previously, the whole saga about art censorship just left me jaded about the local visual arts scene.

I remember being very impressed by the first Biennale. Everything was intriguing. It was… FUN! Now, it is all heavy, don’t touch this, don’t touch that. I was annoyed. So I “accidentally” knocked into an art work just to see how my impression of that sculpture-installation would change. Having studied a little about visual arts, I remember the crux of an installation piece is the space. But lo and behold, there was a particular work that was set up like a room, albeit an extremely neat one (probably a reflection of the artist’s OCD), there was a door where we SHOULD be allowed to enter. As audience, we ought to feel the coldness of the room, to see how measured everything is in. No, we stood outside peering through a window. The door was left slight ajar, and the museum’s barricade to prevent us from touching the work. That particular visit to the museum left me angry! Why was I prevented from interacting with the space? I felt like writing “why can’t I enter?” on a piece of paper, crush it, and toss it in the room. Ugh. Suffocating.

So, I bought paint and a sketch book. I prefer to browse through art books, be inspired, before embarking on my little art project. To my frustration, some one borrowed my design/art books and I cannot remember who!!!!! So now my sketch book is still pretty clean. My pencils are nicely sharpened. My charcoal is still firm.

You know, that new museum have amazing showcases. But oh so expensive! I have 4 exhibitions that I want to go for, and assuming I can get the family package, it will still cost me $80!!!!

Through a glass eye

2011-05-01T16:24:00.002+09:00

Recently, I found myself thanking God for a friend. She's such a blur block, but nonetheless, awesome!
I think it is really difficult to find a friend who is bursting with zest for life. Imagine the look of a child who tripped, and deliberates between crying and not crying. That's her face. Too funny. So we high-five in our most childish way, we giggle, throw our heads back and laugh, and have this face of bewilderment whenever we have our little chat.

:)

I love traveling... And recently I found this awesome travel essay. It could explain why I recently dreamt of Narnia. HAHA. Just to share an excerpt from Why We Travel by Pico Iyer.

"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves; and we travel, next, to find ourselves. We travel to open our hearts and eyes and learn more about the world than our newspapers will accommodate. We travel to bring what little we can, in our ignorance and knowledge, to those parts of the globe whose riches are differently dispersed. And we travel, in essence, to become young fools again—to slow time down and get taken in, and fall in love once more. The beauty of this whole process was best described, perhaps, before people even took to frequent flying, by George Santayana in his lapidary essay, “The Philosophy of Travel.” We “need sometimes,” the Harvard philosopher wrote, “to escape into open solitudes, into aimlessness, into the moral holiday of running some pure hazard, in order to sharpen the edge of life, to taste hardship, and to be compelled to work desperately for a moment at no matter what.”"

"Thus travel spins us round in two ways at once: It shows us the sights and values and issues that we might ordinarily ignore; but it also, and more deeply, shows us all the parts of ourselves that might otherwise grow rusty. For in traveling to a truly foreign place, we inevitably travel to moods and states of mind and hidden inward passages that we’d otherwise seldom have cause to visit."

Now, I can't stop thinking about the places I have visited and the places I want to visit.
So today, even as I battle the flu, the aches from dragon boating, and my classical asian texts, I spend a little time praying for the people in Japan. Japan was magical to me. Given a chance, I would love to go there again, for a holiday or simply to do what I can for humanity.

http://www.worldhum.com/features/travel-stories/why-we-travel-20081213/

One art

2011-03-09T23:46:00.001+09:00

One Art by Elizabeth Bishop

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

-- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.

Elizabeth Bishop

You and me, always be...

2011-02-26T01:16:00.002+09:00

I am young, but I am not carefree.

My old flame haunts me. He lurks in my cupboard, in my mind, under the bed, and he talks to me all the time. Some days, I am so glad that we broke up, other times, I sit on my bed and wonder how he is doing. Does he remember me? Does he think of me occasionally? What if we never broke up? What if breaking up was a mistake? Then again, do I want to get together with him again? Sure, there were glorious times, but man, there were times when I felt like a slave.

Today, I felt that I under performed during rehearsal... So I had a little chat with him on my way home. He hardly spoke, he just stood there listening with eyes that said “I understand”. When I reached my stop, he alighted with me and whispered something in my ear. It gave me the creeps.

you need me.

...

What if we end cutting each other’s throat again? What if we work each other so hard that we forget what really matter? What if because of each other, we stumble others?
My ex, I guess I have never truly gotten over you. You hardly gave me tangible gifts, but you often inspired/pushed me. At the same time, I know what is good for me, what I ought to seek after, but recently I found it hard to get you out of my head. :( I’m trying to deal with my own insecurities, but your presence and your voice drives me crazy.

Why do you appear when I am at my lowest?

Black Swan taught me that an obsession with perfection kills-sometimes not physically... but know for sure, a part of you dies. I told my friends if they ever find themselves identifying with her, they need help.

So why do I feel like her today?

What do I do with you now, Perfection?

That's the last black eye

2011-02-18T17:29:00.001+09:00

I was dragged back to reality yesterday.

For a good 12 hours, my head was in the clouds. I was in a state of euphoria.

There I was, sitting less than 10 steps away from someone special, watching her play the piano, tell stories about her cats, her love life, her songs. Oh I love the way her fingers strummed the guitar so hard that the pick broke, and the way her feet danced as she played the piano and sang her song...and who can forget that little frown that she wore on her face when she sang the songs that meant so much to her.

For a good two hours, I sat there, wishing time will never stop. It was an intimate concert. My first concert. The best concert.

:)

Like a psycho, I wanted to film her, to capture her in a frame, but my brain could not multi-task. My eyes were glued to her. I sat there, absorbing every moment, every song, every word, every smile, every eye contact...

SHAME ON THOSE PEOPLE WHO SAT THERE FILMING HER ENTIRE CONCERT. >:(

Well, that was 2 nights ago, when I finally met Rachael Yamagata for the first time. I pinched myself occasionally just to make sure I was not dreaming. It was brilliant. It’s hard to hate someone like her. :) Thank you. Thank you.

A talk with my SM about the costume designs jolted me back to reality. Deadlines. One night. Make it work. My supervisor told me to look at the entire industry instead of just one company. My heart did a somersault. I received data from my company that proved to be not very useful. SIGH. You mean... I have to consolidate all my research within a span of one and a half week, and write my 4000 word research paper in a week?!?!?!!? Happy Fools Day came too early this year. Mid term papers, tests... *gasp*

My consolation at the moment is that I am leaving this place soon.
“I’d remain here no more... FAREWELL.”

:(

2011-02-15T23:26:00.001+09:00

I'm exhausted.

Define an artist

2011-01-10T13:29:00.002+09:00

That day, when we were setting up the artist’s work at the museum and it was a video installation piece. The idea of drilling, being particular about the exact framing and position, the quality of the videos etc, brought back really bitter sweet memories of doing art during A levels.

It seemed to me that whoever does video installation, the video have problem no matter what. It drives me nuts. And this time the frustration was double because it is not my own work...I cannot possibly just toss everything in one corner and sit in one corner to emo for a while. The most is 3 minutes of slumping your tired body there and then on the floor and then getting up with this new wave of optimism and excitement that we will make it work.

So crazy.

In my college days, I attempted to write a higher paper for Art. The discussion often went back to the definition of art. In this time and age where technology evades our lifestyle, how can technology be dislocated from art?

That day, aflter a hectic day of setting up tone exhibit, tired as I am, my mind wondered who is the artist? What is an artist?

The one who conceptualize a work? THe one who executes it? The one who did the research? The one who did the editing? The one who thought of the idea? How does one lay claim to something? The thing is, art is always inspired by something. It could be an object, someone, a dream, or even another work. I believe that an art work can never be finished. It can be done. But it is never finished.

My observation of the artists, and even my personal memory of when I did art was that the artist will never be satisfied with the work. If he could work on it every minute, every second, everyday, there will be changes. Sometimes the change is major. Sometimes it is minor. Sometimes it seems like the artist is bordering towards having OCD, but hey, I guess it is part of the human nature; just like how you never completely get over a relationship until you see the other party moving on.

In a way, i guess the struggle of being an artist is finding closure. The exhibit may run for a span of time in a country, but the work travels and each country or new festival becomes a window for them to make changes, to fill that gap of dissatisfaction with the previous work.

I thank God for a pretty decent internship (so far), and even though I wish that I could do more, I think that I had one of the better experience.

For all I know, I am grown a little more optimistic. HAHAHA.

Coming home

2011-01-09T01:17:00.001+09:00

I guess in a way I am a little thankful how busy I have been.

The past few weeks, I found myself pretty emotional... Half the time I just wanted to indulge in literature. Let myself appreciate the beauty of words, the power of language, and honestly, to escape into their world for a bit. The other half of the time, I just felt like lying in bed with my ipod plugged in and stare at my freshly painted walls.

But that’s so indulgent.

It is hard for me to settle down to pray... so difficult to clear my mind of what I have to do, what I have yet to do, the future, the present... Guess I am worrying a lot.

My internship robbed me of some things but it reignite in me certain passion.

I have not touched art for quite some time. One could say I have lost touch with it. One day, I just decided to treat myself to some art. Some people find retail therapy to be one of the best thing on earth, but it has never been that gratifying for me. Let’s just say that the satisfaction is too short-lived.

Going to the museums, soaking in every moment, appreciating every sight, criticizing some, falling head over heels over some works... it felt like I was meeting an old flame. I have to admit that the curatorship at NAMOS is sooo much better now. For once, history felt alive in Singapore.

Being an ALO for M1sff and meeting the artists challenged me to pick up visual arts again. I am not sure how to go about doing it but what I appreciate when I talked to them was the honesty that the wealth that comes along with it is not awesome but there’s so much that art can communicate so don’t let that stop you.

Talking to people about art, meeting all these vibrant, crazy people who survive on just as little sleep and food when kept busy... how do I say this without sounding mad...

... I felt at home...

Social spaces

2010-12-24T00:06:00.000+09:00

It is strange how the toilet is a liminal space for many of us. Ok. Maybe not that strange after all.

We head to the toilet to clear our minds after a very long discussion.
We visit the toilet when we find ourselves staring at the other party in awkward silence.
We release our emotions there in private.
For some of us, we go there to catch 40 winks.
Then there are times whereby we go there to think.

Recently, I found myself more aware of the thoughts I have in the toilet. Film techniques come into mind. People I miss pop into my head and I think of the conversations I may have with them, if only they were around.

Yesterday, while I was getting ready to shower, I had this great idea for an Arts House film, but the moment I sat at my table with a pen in hand... the thought slipped away.

Perhaps the next time I need some inspiration, I should go to the toilet with a notebook and pen. Perhaps.

***  It is the eve of Christmas eve.

But why does my heart feel so heavy?

Friends in London are stuck there. Manchester friends are not coming home this festive season....

It is so quiet without them around. So quiet that I actually miss bickering with them. The nonsensical messages we send in the middle of the night. Staying up together to make gifts or write cards. Guess subliminally it became a tradition and not doing all these things together this year just made the silence a little too deafening for my liking.

Nonetheless, I MISS ALL OF YOU! COME HOME SOON! (hope i don’t sound too desperate. *claws* Haha)

***   Bought a new book. Finished it within 2 days. I love how books sucks me into their world. All the adjectives used to describe the wood, the japan air, the smell of snow, the cold air, the protagonist’s soft hair. Those two days, I abstained (haha) from the computer. Just sat on my bed and read till I fell asleep. While waiting for friends, I read. Waiting for the train on the platform, I whipped out my book. And I felt so distant and different from the world.

Everybody was holding on their iphone-messaging, calling, surfing, fiddling, well, you know... And I love that feeling of going back to our “roots” if I could call that that.

I particularly love this phrase:
“clutching these faded, fading, imperfect memories to my breast...with all the desperate intensity of a starving man sucking on bones”
Beautiful. :)

one longggg sem

2010-12-06T23:30:00.001+09:00

Tiredness really got the better of me.
For the first time in my life, I lost my phone.  I am really upset. I think I must have dropped it on the cab or something. To think I only realized after 2 hours later… Sigh.

Somehow I am supposed to be happy because I am finally making time to get my iphone… but wasn’t the idea to get an iphone so that I’d be MORE connected? I won’t deny that I am very sentimental. I keep messages that I treasure. And I had this big plan to reconnect with friends whom I have not been talking much to… But they’re all gone now. 

I can whine forever, but there’s no point.

On a lighter note, I guess on some level it gave me a break. I wasn’t busy perpetually. I had some time with God. Something that I have been neglecting because of my lack of effort.

Anyway, I have started my internship. Seems like I can say hello to a month of bubble tea with koi just 5 minutes away. Then again, I am not a huge fan of bubble tea. Heh. There are things to be done, the job scope is manageable but I am more concerned about my research proposal. Think I’d need to properly sit down and think through it. There’s something so charming about working in the arts industry-freedom. Freedom to do whatever you feel like it. Go for long lunch breaks. Report late. Friendly people. We communicate via msn ALL THE TIME. I don’t even hide from my supervisor when I go on facebook because I AM doing work. Chatting with friends to get their help is part of work. Go home when you’re done with your work. Listen to your ipod while you work. People singing in the toilet. Of course, there are also times where the work can never be finished, but that’s a different story. So far, I enjoy what I am doing. :)

Ah, my eyes are going to pop from staring at the computer for sooo long. Need. to. plan. modules. for. next. sem. by. tonight. argh.

turn around

2010-12-04T22:00:00.003+09:00

This song is currently stuck in my head. I love it.
I've started watching glee. I don't adore it but I enjoy the musical numbers. :)

I WANT TO RETURN TO MY GREY'S!!!!!!!

He loves you deeply

2010-11-30T02:02:00.001+09:00

I am so blown away by this song!!!! I can't even bear to download it because it's so good. i NEED to buy it on itunes. OHMY. SUCH A BRILLIANT SONGGGGGGGG. *faint*

dear god

2010-11-27T01:35:00.003+09:00

I am scared out of my wits.
my stomach is housing 1000000 butterflies now

I feel unprepared for my exam later
there are many risks I am taking
Plays I have yet to read
Lectures that I just skimmed through

and a million info are slipping by before the exam!!!

I don't know how i will fare
I fear that I will fail
My heart is pounding like a thunder

:(

But before i turn the lights off and attempt to get some sleep, i pray that God will grant me peace and clarity of mind.
In You I put my trust.

we got to move on

2010-11-16T12:13:00.000+09:00

Sometimes I feel like it’s not me typing/feeling all these.

I miss dancing. I miss rushing for rehearsals. I miss being on stage, acting, singing, running, all that adrenaline rush changing, no, ripping our clothes so that we can be in time for the next scene. I miss having supper after rehearsals. I miss my friends even though it has only been 3 days since I last saw them! HAHAHA.

Observe

2010-11-10T03:51:00.002+09:00

If you don't understand my silence, how will you understand my words?

here we go all over again

2010-11-01T01:08:00.002+09:00

I remember when we learnt about Dadaism, my jaw dropped.
I could hardly believe that there's an art movement for that.

And here we go all over again... Theatre of the Absurd.

I need sleep.

devised theatre

2010-10-23T16:44:00.004+09:00

In Sec 2, I was involved in a production and I didn't understand a thing when it was performed.
The words had a familiar ring, I understood the themes, but everything felt disjointed.

It felt like I understood what was going on, but at the same time I didn't.

However, I think I understand what that play was all about.

Glad to understand devised theatre :)

weather report

2010-10-04T01:05:00.001+09:00

Recently, I feel so confused and disoriented, just like the weather.

emo sunday night

2010-10-04T00:36:00.000+09:00

In a few hours, my best friend will be leaving on a jet plane. I am honestly excited about for her and the adventure that awaits her.

Perhaps it's the recent weeks of spending so much time together that a week of not spending any time with each other makes me really sad. :’(

It’s going to be tough without you around parny!!

Recently, I have been writing thoughts off from my head on my itouch..

Day 1:

To no one:
Often, we do not tAke notice of the sight and sounds in the heartland-the clothes hung on the bamboo poles, that stray cat that lies lazily on the staircase or even the cacahony of sounds of that catonese uncle singing his karoake, the clinging and clanging of pans, and crying babies.... They become sounds and sights we hear and see but we don’t take much notice.

When did we start becoming numb to these sounds and sights?

Yesterday night, when I heard a story that broke my heart into 2, I asked myself how often do I hear about such an event? Pretty often. Why does this story struck a chord in my heart more than any others?
The story of rejection, and gaps that seems to grow...
It hurts. But when I heard it yesterday, it didn't seem like another story. It was injected with a lot of emotions, and for once I found the silence deafening, and the pauses… felt like punches.

Words failed to comfort that friend...
And we sat in silence and for the first time this week, I found the passing of time slow.

'Just can't seem to get it right today' he said that yesterday... And today. I wondered silently how long has he sung that song?

***

Day 2:

it's a new day. Yesterday was horrid! My group was well prepared for our viva voce..and technology failed us.. Not just one system... But many.. :( I was so disappointed that as I stood at the bus stop, I found myself crying.

I was upset that after so many rehearsals, practices, meetings, we were so well prepared and something beyond our control screws up and it affected the performance. We were flustered, but the show must go on.

The video that I spent hours and lost sleep over was supposed to be screened with the epilogue... But the computer shut down... Dramatic effect in the unintended way. I was disappointed. Very. And when I tried to explain to people, they tried to offer words of comfort, which didn't comfort me. Sigh. It's not the grade that I am affected or worried about. I do not even know the percentage weightage... Because it doesn't matter to me. It wouldn't have made a difference if it was only 5 or 20 % because my group gave a lot of ourselves to this project.

More than anything, I was disappointed that for all that hard work, the show didn't go as planned.

But that's theatre isn't it? Every show will be different. The fact that it's live. Maybe that's why sometimes j prefer film because the perfectionist in me can do many retakes, edits and re-editing! There's some sense of control.

Yet at the same time, I love theatre for it's unpredictability. That power to inspire and impact social, political and human issues today. I have studied a theatre company that still does that today. It's powerful. Beautiful. :)

head in the clouds

2010-09-23T14:44:00.001+09:00

Taken from deviant art.

That's what I want to do.

Zuji is having some fantastic offers now.
Arghh...

this drug... panadol

2010-09-19T22:47:00.003+09:00

2 days of unproductive work.
Fri doesn't count since i slogged all night/morning.

I don't trust myself to get things done today. So i shall just act productive-do my schedule so that I know what i ought to get done and when to feel guilty.

Today's floorball game was one of the best. No keeping tabs of score. Just playing for the fun of it, cheering your team on, laughing over my stupid mistake. Note. Singular.

I've been having the flu the ENTIRE week.
mon: it was so bad i practically dropped my books and bought a box of panadol cold from 7/11
tues: sniffles in the morn
wed: flu again
thurs: sniffles in the morn
fri:
Sat:
Sun: FLUUUUUUUU

I should just sleep early.

If I could put myself as some character for you to imagine how i look like, it'd be one of the zombies from L4d.
:P

ohnoooo

2010-09-09T11:41:00.002+09:00

In My Life

There are places I remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

Recently WJ introduced to me this awesome song! it's an oldies but I think the lyrics are rather meaningful compared to most of the songs that we hear today aka "wait for you at the hotel room room.... etc". I'm someone who goes for lyrics. Heartfelt ones.

Recently, i've been a little stressed. Was preparing for my presentation last week. Another presentation, a quiz and a project pitching next week. Photography trips, journal entries. SCRIPTS TO READDDDD....Eeks. Plus there's work.

I'm scared out of my wits because this entire long weekend will be burnt with meetings, spending some time with my beloved ones before they disappear from my life for a while. Which reminds me that I should make the necessary arrangements to make sure that I get Monday off so that I can study the entire day in preparation for my test!!

Pray for me. :/

pensive mood

2010-08-20T22:29:00.002+09:00

I spent 3 hours in the library printing scripts, readings, more scripts, more greek, and boy am I not done for one module!:(

The rhythmic zapping, of people flipping pages, the beeping of the machines because of a jam was getting on my nerves. Familiar but not so familiar faces surrounded me. One stood across me. 2 beside me, 2 behind me…..
And. The. Noise. Was. Getting. To. Me.

I started my senseless chatter. I made new friends, although I’m sure I’d get the names mixed up the next time we meet. But it was that scene, framed by my little eyes that brought back memories tertiary life. Having not stepped in that place for 3 months and all memories of it chucked into a box in a dusty storeroom in my head…. That sound and that smell woke me from my stupor. It’s a new term.

Turned out the modules that I was all excited over turned out a little less fascinating, and at times bordering boring; on the other hand, the modules that I was a little apprehensive of turned out to be a great deal of fu n!!! ☺

***

That day, I had ts practical… and I felt vulnerable.
When I was in secondary school, I was extremely comfortable with sharing with my peers everything. Noorlinah created a space for us that was safe, a space where we could share and the walls have no ears. Maybe it wasn’t just the space, but our youthful trusting disposition…We talked, we shared, we cried, we prayed, we screamed, we laughed without any inhibition.

As I get older, I find myself less trusting. I do not share as openly as I once did. So when each of us shared a little of ourselves during the practical session, I felt vulnerable; at the same time I felt the magic and beauty of theatre…to give a part of yourself to your team and eventually the audience.

If I ever become a theatre practitioner, I would love to work with kids. I find adults a little more twisted. Haha. Youths are bursting with energy, they look forward to the future with eyes wide open, and if they trust you, they give you all they can. It is amazing to see youths with so much passion and commitment, not just in theatre, but also in my ministry.

***

That day, I went for my internship interview and it was one of the strangest interviews I ever had. Seems like this year I’ve been having a lot of weird interviews. Sheesh. They asked me questions like curfew, commitment, willingness to work 24/7, ability to forego sleep and lose track of time… sounds like I am applying for a superhero position? How do you respond to such questions? It is one thing to know in your mind what to expect, but it is a completely different thing to have someone tell you straight in your face such things… at least not when you’re supposedly an adult who knows the industry. Perhaps those questions are meant to test our mental strength… who knows? I won’t be paid, that’s if I get it. It is true… we artists are poor. Please sponsor us. Hint. I believe it will be a VERY HUMBLING experience, but it will be a good gauge as to whether this is the sort of industry I would seriously want to jump into after I graduate. Better to suffer a few months than 2 or more years right?

Right now, my mind is in a mess. I have to make some decisions next week. I am fearful… I am apprehensive… I have my concerns… I feel ready… but not very ready. Argh. I don’t know.

On a lighter note, my friend got me a really good deal for a Fossil watch and I was extremely pleased with it… until I got the strap adjusted and realized that I have a weird wrist size such that if I remove 3 knots, it will be a little too snug for comfort, but if I remove 2, it’d be too loose. ☹ But I love the face nonetheless. ☺

I'm dragon boating tomorrow as part of my social research essay. How cool is that?

"we're a team"

2010-08-08T02:18:00.002+09:00

Previously, I talked about my traumatizing mistake at work. That day, I met my supervisor in the morning and he talked to me about the incident. He also said something that was quite tear jerking.

"we're a team. We're in this together.... Don't worry."

I could hardly believe my ears. I was ecstatic!!! I felt like grabbing his hand to give him a heartfelt shake but I did not. I was over the moon. Thank God for my wonderful, supportive and fun team! :)

Work

2010-08-02T19:43:00.001+09:00

Last week I messed up at work. It was such a big mistake that my colleague and I turned white when we realized the situation we were caught in. We were in complete disbelief and fear that I went to hide in the toilet, and my mind was blank. I couldn’t even cry because the whole situation was overwhelming.

Even though we could see the fireworks that night, we were just so affected by the whole situation that we stoned.

A year back, Mark told me to enjoy being a student because there is so much liberty to make mistakes and get away with it. Today, I can absolutely wrap my mind around that thought. It is okay if the smart aleck in my class tries to put down my presentation during Q&A, it is okay if my ideas are not fantastic, because these are just papers and reports that will not materialize… it was cost the company nothing.

But when you’re out there in the world, a mistake is equivalent to jeopardizing the company’s interest/vision/profits.

I was so traumatized by the entire incident that I didn’t sleep well that night.

Finally, we accounted to our supervisor.
He wasn’t angry!! But we just got to pay for our mistake.

At the end of the day, I thank God for such a gracious and understanding supervisor and great (but annoying) colleague who tried to make me think of some other thing so we can focus on the other tasks on hand.

Tomorrow, I have my school’s internship module briefing/interview. I have not done up my resume according to the way they wanted. Roar.

Everything is just overwhelming, but may I find peace and strength in God.

i'm a tortoise

2010-06-30T01:24:00.004+09:00

I've been feeling so emo since the weekend.

I feel so torn inside out.

No idea where to go from now... trace his heart.

Anyway, this is my favourite song at the moment. :) So sweet!!! i like jason mraz..

Prettiest Friend

This is what I look like today
And I'm trying not to pull out my hair
I'm trying not to show it 'cause I'm far too shy to grow it back there
That's probably why I like wearing hats
There's no denying I'm deferring the facts
Avoiding confrontation
Lacks tact in a situation
Behind every line is a lesson yet to learn

But if you ask me
The feeling that I'm feeling is overwhelming
And oh, it goes to show
I've so much to know

I wrote this for my prettiest friend
Who while trying not to prove that I care
Trying not to make all my moves in one motion and scare her away
Well she can't see she's making me crazy now
I don't believe she knows she's amazing how
She has me holding my breathe
So I'd never guess that I'm a none such unsuitable, suited for her

But if you ask me
The feeling that I'm feeling is complimentery
And oh, it goes to show
The moral of the story is boy loves girl
And so on the way that it unfolds is yet to be told

I know that I should be brave
Even pretty can be seen by the blind
I know that I cannot wait
Until the day we finally learn how to find each other
Redefining open minds

And if you ask me
The feeling that I'm feeling is overjoyed
And it's golden, it goes to show then
The ending of this song should be left alone
And so on 'cause the way it unfolds is yet to be told

The war inside my head

2010-06-22T16:30:00.001+09:00

I never really liked History. My affair with history was short and barely sweet. My history teacher in secondary school made history boring. To me, those were mere fact, not worth remembering. So I went on to study Geography instead, not because I enjoyed it but because it was easy to score. ☺

My occasional meet up with History on the History Channel and my art and history module. Sure it fascinated me, but each session did not leave me hungry for more. There was nothing memorable or captivating and it is with sadness I say that.

Things took for a change in Korea.

I went for a half day DMZ(demilitarized zone) tour.

That was the border between the North and South Korea.

The ride there was LONGGG and extremely bumpy. Periodically I would imagine myself riding on a horse. As we neared our destination, barriers would get higher and soldiers with their guns would be patrolling the area. That set the tone that this separation between the two is still ongoing. Well, there were some parts where we were allowed to take photos, though not much, but I did not feel this sense of need or even want to take any picture. It was sad and scary enough to be here.

The first thing that strucked me first was how ironic it is that they actually built a mini theme park for kids there!!! Chills went down my spine as I stood on the bridge of no return. There was the military demarcation line. Last time, they used to exchange prisoners of war. The reason why it is called the bridge of no return was because those who chose North Korea were not allowed to return back to South Korea.

The unification bridge was filled with many flags with messages from people from all over the world. Reading the various messages really broke my heart into two. I felt a little outraged and angry to realize that during the war, the government told their people to remain where they were till further instruction. As usual, there will always be those who listed and those who choose to wait. In this case, the people who did not listen to the government managed to flee and they are now in South Korea. Others who listened found themselves trapped. I wonder how do the people in the North feel. Betrayed? Regretful? Angry?

When the war ended, the people just threw all their explosives, bombs and what nots down from the air. The people who have to pay the price are the new generation. Land mimes were surrounding us. Every area had to be barricaded for our safety. Who are the ones who are clearing up those land mimes? The soldiers, your sons, your dad, your lover, your people. Like us, they boys have to serve the army for a period of them, and unlike us where our boys get posted to be officer, clerks, police, navy… their postings are real. Lots are drawn, and the unfortunate ones found themselves with numbers that calls them to clear the land mimes. Everyday they pray to be kept alive with no land mimes blown up in their faces, not to count down how many months till they ORD.

Notice the jarring disparity?

I remember the train wreck filled with 109 bullet holes. I could hardly believe my eyes.
I wasn’t even looking at an entire train. I was looking at one cabin. One word just kept floating in my head and made me want to scream “INHUMANE!!!”

It was hard to disengage myself from history. In fact, it’s far from history. It is still ongoing.

One reason why I probably do not fancy history is because it is so bias. How can we free be free from propaganda? I am not saying that it is bad but it is true. When I studied History in school, I learnt about the separation between Malaysia and Singapore. What I read and learnt was that we got kicked out. What does the Malaysian history book say?

Likewise, the South Koreans discovered the tunnel but the North Koreans insisted that it was made by South Koreans to invade North Korea. From what I heard, that was a falsification. When will we ever know the intention of man? Sometimes, we weave story because memory fades, imagination run wild, other times, our emotions cause an entire change of perspective.

My history and social studies classes always remind me to look at the source. To question reliability… Just because it is from a reputable newspaper or a reputable person doesn’t mean that history is not tinted with personal opinions. It is all a matter of choice of words used.

A play I watched a few years back, “Exquisite Pain” taught me that an incident only happens once, there and then. Other times, no matter how we try to reenact, to retell the story as it was, we can NEVER achieve that. Like it or not, our emotions affect the story.

What is the North Koreans’ story? I really want to know. I have heard from the South, but I want to know about the North.

they played well!!!

2010-06-18T18:14:00.003+09:00

Yesterday’s match was a major disappointment.

Haven’t met Ben for a long time so we decided to head down to town and catch our FIFA world cup. Argentina vs Korea republic. Dead bent on supporting the reds. I brought my devil horns, huge red ribbon. While watching the team do their warm ups, suddenly this huge group entered. It’s such a small world man. I spotted Francine in the shouts of red shirt!!! We were screaming and cheering when Korea scored. The other people around us were supporters of Argentina hence they were staring at us like we were idiots supporting the weaker team. ROAR. Francine and I couldn’t care less, we were shouting across tables at half time with great faith that the koreans will be the dark horse.

How our hearts sank and shattered to a million pieces when we lost.

Face it. It was an exciting match. The Koreans gave their best shot! What’s there not to be proud of? Jung Sung Ryong tried his best and he saved many goals. Oh, but then they missed that goal when it was clearly to their advantage, we really felt for them. Huh Jung Moo looked like he wanted to give such a huge trashing. Fierce! I have a lot to say about the other team, especially when it comes to sportsmanship. :’( SO ANGRY. If the screen was right in front of me, I would have shook the tv and poke you-know-who. Reading the report made my blood boil!!! So horrid.

Next match, Nigeria vs korea.
Settled on the people whom I’d be watching with and the venue already.
Victory victory victory!!!!
ROARRR!!!!!

crazzeee

2010-06-17T14:11:00.000+09:00

My stomach aches from laughing. My friend and I were looking through at some of our facebook friends and we decided to click on our good jc friend’s profile and photos. The prim and proper dude, the one whom we copied homework from, the one whom we photocopied notes from when we skipped class, the one who taught us the art of buffing our nails and the one who was so freaked out when we made him run away from PE. Good times!!! ☺

He has changed so much…almost fashion run way model material with that streak (or rather many streaks) of the wild side. It’s hard to imagine that he once carried that toot bag and tried to convince us that boys should never be ashamed of buffing their nails. HAHAHA.

It’s great to be students! Being able to break the rules and get away with it (sometimes). There is lesser degree of accountability. I wonder what my friends remember of me.

☺

I find it strange. I never thought that I would miss Korea. Don’t get me wrong. I had a great holiday there-rich history and culture, fantastic shopping, delicious food, great posters with good looking boys and kawaii girls, strong sense of nation pride… it’s hard not to like a country like that. ☺ But I was pretty sure that this is not a country that I’d fantasize or toy with my imagination of what if I moved there. It is just a holiday. Period.

However when I could not sleep last night, I dreamt of Insa-dong and actually setting up a shop there, doing little crafts and trinklets and selling them. I love the vibrancy in that district and the shit pancake.

“shit shit shit”. The man kept chanting that, and man did it not sound appealing to the ears or the taste buds. But it was just red bean pancake in the same of a shit. It looked pretty cute so we bought a set, 2 shit, 2 frowning girl and a kiwi blend. My first bite of the shit pancake made my eyes popped. It was soooooo good. Wayyy better than the pancakes I had in Japan!!! :D

He is the sort of guy I will hire if I opened a shop like coffee prince, he’d be like my waffle boy. HAHA.

Oh enough of frivolous talk. Politics tmr!! DMZ!!! ☹ ROAR!

Remember to watch the match tonight Korea VS Argentina.
You know where my votes are.

...in a big big world

2010-06-17T00:37:00.000+09:00

AHH!!! I can’t wait for 17th!! Korea against Argentina!!!

Oh dae han min guk seungri ae ham seong
Oh dae han min guk oh oh oh oh oh
Oh dae han min guk seungri ae ham seong
Oh dae han min guk oh oh oh oh oh

Hmm. Wonder if anyone besides Francine who will go crazy with me to go and learn this dance.

Ok, enough of world cup…for a while.

I don’t want to grow up. I’m a toys’r’us kid.

*sigh * Recently, I signed up for an internship module and got it (for now). Now I have to go through 2 interviews and a test, through which I also need to prepare a detailed resume and show off my past works aka sell myself to the internal and external interviewers.

Honestly, I’m scared. I will actually be entering the real workforce, assuming that I pass all their tests. But I really very thankful to God that my marketing project took off well, and our client liked it very much. ☺ However, that’s just a one-off project. THE REAL WORLD IS DAUNTING!!!!

Think I’d take a knee before I prepare myself for those interviews. ☹

SOCCER FEVER!!!

2010-06-14T15:17:00.002+09:00

Soccer Fever!!! ☺

I absolutely love Korea. When Korea Republic played against Greece, it was a sight to behold!! The entire nation was decked in red, wearing the Korean flag on their back, red blinking devil horns on their head, painted faces, noise makers, you name it, they have!!! It was brilliant!

All the mannequins and sales person in every shop was wearing the red shirt or red dress, with either a huge red bow on their head or the devil horns. The day before, as I was walking down the streets back to the hotel, young entrepreneurs took to the streets and were selling shirts designed by them, and all the various noise makers. The entire nation came together to support their home team; there was so much pride in their national players. That night, we wanted to do some shopping but the shops were closing at 8pm because they wanted to support their team who were playing at 8.30pm. Roads were closed, there were live broadcasts of the match everywhere on the streets, at the train station, there was a small television where those on duty could watch, and those who were on the train traveling whipped out their handphones with the long antenna sticking out to watch. It was such a magnificent sight.

The nation pride was infectious!! We bought their shirts, the devil horns, humongous red bow hair band, and watched the match on the streets. In UK the street parties would be wild, with people shoving one another, but these Koreans sit in a very organized manner on the streets so that everybody can have a good view of the match. When Korean scored the goal, everybody stood up, screaming and broke up into a cheer that everybody knew!!!! Well, obviously, they play the cheer on television like a hundred times a day.

When Greece almost scored a goal, I screamed in fear, and it was a shrill scream. WAHAHA. At that instant, they smiled at me and knew I was one of them. HAHA. Aja Aja fighting korea!!!!!! ☺ ☺

BIG PARTY AFTER THE MATCH. VICTORY TO KOREA. Furthermore, the next day, most of the shops had a sale in celebration of their victory!!

I respect Korea and their great sense of loyalty, which made me think about my own national identity. What are we doing on national day? Shopping. Going away!

Maybe this year for national day, I should gather my friends (massive group) to do something crazy, decked in red and something more, really celebrating our nation’s birthday!! Maybe…

For now, to ask all my guy friends how to watch the Fifa online cause my dad didn’t subscribe to the channel. ☹ Friends, invite me to your house to watch the match ok. If it is a match with the Korean Republic, you can be sure, I’d be decked in the devil’s horn, red shirt and clapping along with their cheer rhythm!! I'd bring soju, you make the korean rice cakes ok! :D

17th!!!! Against Argentina!!!

AJA AJA FIGHTING!!!
This is their cheer theme song!! :D:D:D It's stuck in my head!

Wavin Flag

Ooooooh Wooooooh, Ooooooh Wooooooh

Give me freedom, give me fire, give me reason, take me higher
See the champions, take the field now, you define us, make us feel proud
In the streets our heads are lifting, as we lose our inhibition,
Celebration, it surround us, every nations, all around us

Singing forever young, singing songs underneath that sun
Lets rejoice in the beautiful game,
And together at the end of the day.
We all say

When I get older I will be stronger
They'll call me freedom, just like a wavin' flag
When I get older I will be stronger
They'll call me freedom, just like a wavin' flag
So wave your flag, now wave your flag, now wave your flag

Oooohhh, Oooooooooh wooooohh, Oooooooooh wooooohh

Give you freedom, give you fire, give you reason, take you higher
See the champions, take the field now, you define us, make us feel proud
In the streets our heads are lifting, as we lose our inhibition,
Celebration, its around us, every nations, all around us

Singing forever young, singing songs underneath that sun
Lets rejoice in the beautiful game,
And together at the end of the day.
We all say

When I get older I will be stronger
They'll call me freedom, just like a wavin' flag
When I get older I will be stronger
They'll call me freedom, just like a wavin' flag
So wave your flag, now wave your flag, now wave your flag
Now wave your flag (4x)

Oohhoooohh Woooh Ohohooooh Wooohoooh

We all say
When I get older I will be stronger
They'll call me freedom, just like a wavin' flag
When I get older I will be stronger
They'll call me freedom, just like a wavin' flag
So wave your flag, now wave your flag, now wave your flag
Now wave your flag (4x)

Oooooh woowoo ooh Wooo ooohh ooohoh
And everybody will be singing it
Oooooh woowoo ooh Wooo ooohh ooohoh
And we all will be singing it

The battle

2010-06-03T01:34:00.000+09:00

Some wars result in complete and total victory. Some wars end with a peace offering. And some wars end in hope... But all these wars are nothing compared to the most frightening war of all. The one you have yet to fight.
-Meredith Grey.

What have you yet fight in your life?

stop worrying!

2010-05-27T16:40:00.001+09:00

We're all susceptible to it, the dread and anxiety of not knowing what's coming. It's pointless in the end, because all the worrying and the making of plans for things that could or could not happen, it only makes things worse. So walk your dog or take a nap. Just whatever you do, stop worrying. Because the only cure for paranoia is to be here, just as you are
-Meredith grey

Pixar!!!!

2010-05-21T12:17:00.003+09:00

It sucks to be an adult.
Not talking about responsibilities... ... I want to go for Pixar Exhibition at The Singapore Science Centre and it costs $24!!! So expensive but I still want to go. But I'm going to go without much expectation lest I feel as though i got cheated of my money.

Anyway, I will forever be impressed by one of the group's presentation for the stage and screen presentation. So I've taken a more keen interest in stop motion animation!
This is one of my favourites :)

lemonade?

2010-05-20T00:13:00.001+09:00

Pipes will leak after 20 years
Paints will discolour
Roads get worn out
Walls crack
Books turn yellow

It’s hard to preserve anything without effort.

If a problem stares at you in the face and you choose to avoid it, it will eventually wear and tear you down.

That night, I had a very long overdue chat with a friend at Coffee Club. For the past few weeks, I was angry, annoyed, frustrated and upset about an issue and somehow, talking about it was difficult. I couldn’t find the courage to talk about it but when my friend initiated it, I guess it stopped me from running around in circles. What did I know?

The expected brings new meaning, but it’s the unexpected that changes our lives. ☺

As I walked home after we departed, I found myself all teary because we weren’t there to share selectively. Instead, we shared about the stuff that bothered us, the lessons learnt, life’s new phase and gave each other the most frank opinions about everything. The chat that night took such a huge load off my shoulders and I thank God for the friendship. The sort of friendship where God is present in our lives so that we can rejoice together in good times and rebuke each other when our life become like jugs of lemonade.

Well, take to look for my cheesecake recipe… ☺

see you next year

2010-05-16T18:23:00.002+09:00

This is a poem that I selected for one of my TS practical sessions. :) Thought i'd just post it before I throw it away

See You Next Year by Judith Pordon

Thanksgiving is in the tears
that burst like ripe grapes.

Proclaiming, see you next year,
we wave, begin to panic.

With these tears, the further we go
the tighter we are entwined.

We hold onto each others image,
hold each other way-deep

as the bus pulls us apart,
stretching our gratitude for miles

maybe it wasn't a gamble

2010-05-16T03:02:00.002+09:00

Today I did something and it was a gamble.

I threw in all my chips and expose myself to more vulnerability of possibly losing it.

Where do I go from here?

superficial and frivolous

2010-05-05T01:05:00.003+09:00

Bright posted it on fb and I thought it was real awesome! HAHAHA...
If only Uni was that fun.

Today, Francine, Dil, Shirin and myself were having lunch together at the Deck and it was one of those crazy, senseless, superficial, people watch commentary session. <3 Love it man. :)

And to my utter horror, i found out that the K-pop concert that will be happening in May, starring RAIN, yes, the one with zero fat, the one with the super hot body, the one who is extremely committed to every concert, the one with the superb dance moves, yea... you get the point. The concert is only 6 bucks.

AHHHHHH... when Francine told me, i almost fainted. Can you imagine, when Rain came to Singapore, his concert tix went at 888 bucks!!!! Hm.. 6 dollars in an attempt to rip his shirt, and then auction it off for say, 500? Worth it right? Hmmm....

I am so frivolous.

no crystal ball

2010-05-02T00:20:00.001+09:00

It is hard to resist the temptation to buy books.
Studied at Siglap today and my legs simply had a mind of its own. It started walking to the reading place. I was enthralled by the shelves of books… as always. And I walked out buying a book. -_- I love Japanese authors. They are able to encapsulate suspense and humour in their dead-pan writing. Stupefying! ☺

I feel so lazy to study my marketing. I seem to know them, but I don’t exactly know them. My family said I don’t make sense when I told them that. I hope someone out there understand what I mean. Whatever it is, I hope to re-read and re-test myself all that I read and draw from my implicit memory when I do some self test by… tomorrow 6pm? Sounds reasonable. Man, I really want to know the grade that my group got for our marketing project! Ah! 50% and all that hard work!!!

The more I read and jot down insights from my readings, the more questions I have regarding the multifarious issues for my crossing boundaries module. The worst part is that they are questions that you will never have answers for. Identity is always a tricky issue to deal with. And it sucks when we have to substantiate our pt, and pretend to be extremely convicted by it when we know that honestly, the whole notion is simply impalpable!!!

What if we never find the answers?

“…the telephone is silent but it keeps me awake. When will you return? Will we have moved on with our lives? Questions questions. I re-read your messages, your letters, scrutinizing your pen scratch marks, and as I lay awake, head to wall, eyes to ceiling… … Blink. Blink. I miss you. “

average is the new exception.

2010-04-28T01:47:00.000+09:00

Such an inspiration. :)

sigh

2010-04-27T01:21:00.000+09:00

I realized one of the worst emotion to have to go through is...

Disappointment.
Maybe I am putting my expectations and hopes on the wrong people and the wrong things.

Maybe I should realign my perspective

Precious time

2010-04-21T08:55:00.002+09:00

While studying for my History of Science exam, I read up about Jesuits and astronomy. Trust me, it's the most accessible and most interesting thing in the entire module.

Apparently, the Jesuits reformed the Julian calendar to the Gregorian calendar. The fix was needed because of an error in the original calendar established by Julius Caesar in 45 BC, who mistimed his year so that it ran eleven minutes short--a deficit that accumulated gradually over the centuries. By adopting a system of mean rather than absolute motions, Clavius's commission implemented the leap-century rule, which cancels the leap year when it falls on a century year, except in those century years divisible by four. In other words, 1700, 1800, and 1900 were not leap years, but the year 2000 is one--a formula that creates a mean year very close to the true year, and compensating for the 11 min error.

I could do with that total amount of time deficit now. Can we change that deficit into a plus please?

downtown

2010-04-20T02:00:00.001+09:00

Right now, I feel like tossing my notes and singing this song out loud. I did the latter, not the former. HEH.

Downtown

When you're alone
And life is making you lonely,
You can always go downtown
When you've got worries,
All the noise and the hurry
Seems to help, I know, downtown

Just listen to the music of the traffic in the city
Linger on the sidewalk where the neon signs are pretty
How can you lose?

The lights are much brighter there
You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares and go
Downtown, things'll be great when you're
Downtown, no finer place for sure,
Downtown, everything's waiting for you
(Downtown)

Don't hang around
And let your problems surround you
There are movie shows downtown
Maybe you know
Some little places to go to
Where they never close downtown

Just listen to the rhythm of a gentle bossanova
You'll be dancing with 'em too before the night is over
Happy again

The lights are much brighter there
You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares and go
Downtown where all the lights are bright,
Downtown, waiting for you tonight,
Downtown, you're gonna be alright now
(Downtown downtown)

Downtown
(Downtown)

And you may find somebody kind to help and understand you
Someone who is just like you and needs a gentle hand to
Guide them along

So, maybe I'll see you there
We can forget all our troubles, forget all our cares and go
Downtown, things'll be great when you're
Downtown, don't wait a minute more,
Downtown, everything's waiting for you

Downtown (downtown) downtown (downtown)
Downtown (downtown) downtown (downtown)
(repeat and fade out)

post exam things to do. it's a tradition to post up the list

2010-04-20T01:02:00.001+09:00

Argh. Didn’t finish studying what I had planned to accomplish today. ☹
Anyway, to comfort myself…here is my post-exam plans

• Kayaking with becky
• Date with Rebecca
• Date with faith
• Catch a play with TS friends
• Amanda’s 21st
• Art exhibition
• Art sleepover
• Poolside chilling with Sherm and Becky
• *$$ with Sherm and Becky
• *$$ with Becky and Jea
• Hamburger BBQ with the girlfriends
• Travel
• Work on next art exhibition with monster
• Vanessa’s 21st
• RTTP
• Floorball with the youths!!
• Internship/PT
• Retreats
• PODS
• Date with gera
• Band hero at delcan’s
• Set up my sound system
• Band hero with the NERDS
• Read ALL my books htat I bought at the book sale
• Baking
• Date with fish. Iron man 2
• Date with sherm
• Shopping with rene
• Lit class gathering
• Date with m&m
• Art house film marathon
• Movie marathon with daryl and gang
• Coffee update with daryl
• Sleep more
• Korean drama marathon
• Museum visiting
• Plan BS
• Longggggggggg cycling trips
• Triking with gwen
• Chilling with sarah, grace, daryl
• Date with ly and A
• Badminton with shok mei
• Sports day with rene
• Belated celebratory dinner with joel, faz and yw
• Chill out at telok kurau with Sara
• Video montage
• Running
• High rope course
• Date with sara and clarice
• Belated F’s birthday celebration
• Date with charis
• Finish watching kimi ni todoke
• Meet up with mark
• Date with siti
• Date with daz and daphne

Ting Shuo

2010-04-17T10:59:00.003+09:00

Watched a Taiwan movie yesterday to give myself a break after writing 7 journals, 1 self evaluation, and 1 practical essay. I deserve a break don't I?

Ting Shuo.
I fell in love with the movie. The plot was fantastic. The use of silence was powerful. Reminded me one of my lines for last sem's play "words we never say, but are true to us". I like the authenticity the parents had and the various mediums of art they used to express emotions. Fantastic...

I CAN'T WAIT TO WATCH ANTIQUE BAKERY!!! :D
Starring my very hot and sexy Japanese guy from Coffee Prince. What is there not to like??

So many boys for my viewing pleasure. Whoots! :)

best semester ever

2010-04-16T22:47:00.001+09:00

Today marks the end of another semester. No more lectures/seminars...Just exams to tackle. It has been a sweet semester. I took modules that genuinely interest me, even though some of which were very difficult and gave me a bad headache. But projects this sem was relatively manageable even though when it was announced at the start of the semester, we all freaked out and hollered “Impossible!!!” and freaked out. It felt beyond our capacity. Still, my group and I managed to pull it off. Praise God!!! As I take a moment to breathe… I realized that this semester, I have changed.

How should I put it? I am less of a slave driver… I’d still make sure things get done, but…man…I don’t know how to say this… It’s strange. Things just get done this sem. Have I grown to be more efficient? Heh. Oh, I MUST thank God for blessing me with good project mates this semester. Sure, we had our conflucts, we rolled our eyes at each other, and even had some pretty bad petty fights. BUT, we always seem to appear prepared as we stand infront of the class to strut our stuff.

Yesterday, my friend and I had a little conversation on our way home about group work. When can you say that you’ve done more than the others? How and where do you draw the line that an idea beongs to you? It’s tough isn’t it? A few days back, I was caught in the middle of an argument among my group members. Sigh. It was strange. Even though I was doing quite a fair bit of work, and the most tedious part-editing the entire report, I did not feel short changed or overworked. Neither was I angry with my group because I appreciate the effort and the work they’ve done. I found myself willing to do the work. But my friend felt angry and probably unjust for me and so a volcano erupted. I appreciate and love my friend for being so caring and thoughtful…but I guess there’s also a lot of give and take in a project work? Honestly, I trust my group. Not sure if we can top the class… but I trust them that each of them will not let go of their oars as we row to shore. I thank them for giving me the confidence to trust them. It is such a sweet feeling when I saw our full report with the posters, mock ups etc…and to know that it is the product of OUR labour… The feeling is awesome. It was satisfying.
Is it ever possible to lay claim who did what? Didn’t everybody contribute at the planning stage? I think, we can all sign our names at the bottom of the report. It is OUR report. ☺ I have never felt so strongly towards a group…so I’d say thank you my dear Mohawk friends ☺ Not that you will read this blog, but I just thank god for you guys. Maybe it helps that I am passionate about Cake theatre and Ts.. hence the better feelings I have towards this entire sem.

This sem simply reignited and reminded me why I love theatre. It’s about the team effort to see something grow and blossom. It’s tedious, but working together, struggling together, nurturing it and eventually hold it in our arms and lay claim that it is OURS. I would love to quote a director at this juncture, but I decided against it since it’d probably be heard in October. I shan’t steal what is originally hers.

I learnt a lot this semester. I questioned academically many things that was taught too… and for once, I am proud to say, I got an education.
My friend sits in front of me typing away her final words for the report that is due in an hour. I will miss seeing them everyday as we rush our countless reports and our brainstorming sessions. We’d meet again… in the exam hall…

Thank God for the semester!! It was amazing! Thank you.

Ok. Time to study and tackle past year questions so that I can meet my beloved friends and then bombard our lecturers with questions.

First impressiona and current impressions have changed so much. Can a smile encapsulate how I feel towards this sem and all the people around me?

Exasperated, not angry

2010-04-15T23:00:00.002+09:00

I know this sounds stupid.

Today, I was a little annoyed with my friend cause he gave me the wrong details and made me waste my effort and time!
I wanted to scold him, but I ended up saying

"Oh my, if i were a dragon, I'd breathe fire at you until you have a mohawk!"

Then we started laughing...

Ok, enough of my stupidity. I still have
1 journal entry
1 reflection and self evaluation
1 practical essay

ALL DUE TMR. :|

random speech bubbles

2010-03-31T01:10:00.003+09:00

Crunch time.

Joel and I were actually comparing who have smaller eyes this morning. The verdict: Same. It’s scary the amount of sleep undergraduates get…

Just for Laughs…
I was doing some research on Orientalism in preparation for this Friday’s seminar and I was so amused by this American academic who talked about Singapore’s transvestite street-Boogie Street. Like what!??! Wrong street man. Doubt I can ever look at Bugis street with a straight face.

However, I do think Bugis street have come a long way. If I were doing Singapore studies, I would love to write a report on Bugis street. Too often, we read about Chinatown, Little India that holds some form of cultural significance… but we forget our Bugis Street. Pity.

Lunch with Sherm is always good. Juicy updates, imagination going at 180km/h, bouncing off perspectives, satisfying our eyes’ desires,… Love it. Especially now that NUS has Ya Kun!! ☺ Love it. Although I was a little dismayed to find my New Zealand ice cream gone. Not that I eat ice cream there often, just once, but it’s nice to know that there’s good ice cream around school if I ever do crave for it. Heh.

Ok, some deeper reflections on ministry the next time I blog. Last Sunday was a day of deep insights about God’s word and it caused me to ruminate about certain issues/thoughts in my life.

Need to pack myself into a sardine tin tomorrow morning to meet my Korean tutor followed by 3 meetings tomorrow. Oh joy of joys!!! I ought to aim to write my proposal tomorrow. For now, M. Butterfly. I hope it’d be an interesting read!!!

Applied for part-time job and internship with NAC, SAM and TNS. Hopefully they will consider my application!!!

walking on a tightrope

2010-03-23T21:40:00.000+09:00

Bleary eyes.
Practically spent my 3 hour break in the library, not mugging although I wished I was. Instead, I was printing scripts and readings. For a moment, it felt like the photocopier was thankful for my company while it zapped and zapped.

To-do List by tomorrow night
- Read Sing To The Dawn script and jot down all the boundaries that could possibly be crossed.
-Start working on marketing essay
-Study stage and screen. Memorize all the important names!!!
-Resume
-Break down marketing outline
-Watch that Korean melodrama for class
-Read Vagina Monologues on the train or something. Desperate time calls for desperate measure.

24 hours to make it work. :)

This is the beginning of war.

"you are my strength when I am weak... you are my all in all"

Research phase

2010-03-20T11:01:00.000+09:00

I cannot fall behind in technology.
I am currently doing my research on the theatre company that I am attached to and it is amazing how I found people who once taught me or we've worked together before. The world is getting smaller. But it gets me all excited to be given an opportunity to work with people that I worked with when I was still wearing a uniform and pretty much a self-absorbed teen. Some of these people have not changed. But it's really amazing to see them still very much involved in the arts scene. Even the TTRP students are still practicing and honing their craft after they graduated. :)

Facebook is now one of my platform to do research as I am looking for the previous collaborators. :) :)

Can I shameless promote one of them? David Lee.
Amazing designer. I was blown away by one of his work man! Go check it out
http://davidlee.sg/?p=83

On my way back home that night, as i scribbled some notes and ideas in my notebook that KC gave us a few years back, I realized how much this book contains. My research for O level art, my planning for A level art, my rants about the dark room, and even a page that contains smudged ink probably from the tears during the intense A level art days. Some of my artist reference and admiration were penned down in that same little book. Today, as I move on to catch a glimpse of the corporate art world, these artists reference return. :)

And I could not help thanking God and my parents for putting me in KC and SR. At these institutions, I met the most passionate teachers who opened many doors for us. They didn't need to have the silly government drawing a hard, thick line about what is means to have lessons out of class, learning their experience, they did it because they were passionate in the various CCA and subjects that they taught. Because of that, we were allowed to go to the museums umpteen times, be exposed to plays, a wide variety of different workshops in drama to titillate our senses and interest. <3 Guess that's the joy of being a teacher, when you see students growing and excelling not just in the academic sense, but in character. :) In my eyes, those teachers and drama practitioners I've met are very noble. :)

Tedious module out to kill but an amazing experience (still)! :)

it's different

2010-03-20T00:42:00.002+09:00

I felt a little sad today when I found out that now our weekly floorball session has an age limit. -.- W.H.A.T

For me, one of the reasons why I enjoy floorball is because I enjoy playing with the younger ones like Joshua, Michael, Shaun, Nick, Rachel, Becky, Faith... Sometimes I get trashed by them, other times, they make me look like an abused child in the subsequent week. But it is THAT that makes me look forward to playing floorball. To be able to laugh at ourselves and each other for making mistakes, to hold little silly petty grudges against one another, and I guess that's how we bond. Especially when a lot of them have moved up to SPI, or even those that I have cg with, floorball is a time for me to enjoy their company.

I miss the time when floorball was all about fun, sportsmanship, dabbling in a sport that we're not superb in, yet still enjoy the game. That's the beauty of it. To me, that is what makes the floorball sessions so precious and worthy to go for.

The older ones are cool, but sometimes I feel like they forget that it's not about mastering floorball to the point of being superb. When we started out playing, it was our way of keeping in touch with the youths, knowing them better and to have shared memories of playing together.

I really do not like this internal age limit and I am determined to source for another venue.

Dido-the day before

2010-03-14T21:44:00.001+09:00

Speeches won't be made today, clocks will carry on
Flowers wont be left in parks, work will still be done
People wont be dressed in clack, babies will be born
No flags will fly, the sun will rise,
But we know that you are gone

You who love to love and believed we can never give enough

It wakes me every single night, thinking through the day
Did you stop at any time have doubts at any stage
Were you calm or were you numb or happy just to get it done
I've lived my life without regret until today

You who love to love and believed we can never give enough

I didn't get to say goodbye the day before the day
Was trying to get to work on time, that's why I turned away
And missed the most important thing you've ever tried to say
I've lived my life without regret until today

You who love to love and believed we can never give enough
And you who hoped that underneath we all felt the same
That was until the day before the day

Quotes overdrive and oh-so-tired eyes

2010-03-11T20:30:00.002+09:00

Went to bed at 3. Woke up at 5 feeling pretty refreshed until I was among the many commuters and I felt claustrophobic. It is definitely not a delightful feeling to be feel the butt cheeks of a stranger touching you every few seconds as our bodies sways to the rhythm of the train, or smelling the person's hair... To add to that multi-sensory unpleasant feeling, you are unable to scratch your nose to direct your attention to something else because your hands have no space to move!

So I closed my eyes and within seconds, sleep overwhelms me....

***

I love these quotes

"I have seen something like it happen in battle. A man was coming at me, I at him, to kill. Then came a sudden great gust of wind that wrapped out cloaks over our swords and almost over our eyes, so that we could do nothing to one another but must fight the wind itself. And that ridiculous contention, so foreign to the business we were on, set us both laughing, face to face - friends for a moment - and then at once enemies again and forever."

"This world is a great sculptor’s shop. We are the statues and there’s a rumor going around the shop that some of us are someday going to come to life."
— C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)

Godly perspective on BGR & prayer

2010-03-04T03:05:00.002+09:00

It is no great achievement but I got 2 things settled today. Thank God for helping me to focus when I sat down to do work. It was nothing exciting until at night when I finally got to meet someone. It was a long awaited dinner!! Apparently I tried to act normal but my nervousness was so evident that I started amusing my dear friends.

Before I met them, I had this long list of questions to ask, but when I met them, my mind went completely blank. All I could remember was that we kept laughing. Were we drunk on good company?

Then, we talked about our “favourite” topic-BGR!!!!

There were many things I wanted to find out but I guess I asked the most important question and that took a load off my mind? As a bystander, I doubt I will ever be able to fully comprehend their thinking, to empathize with the ongoing process, but it comforts to me to know that God is with them.

In addition, it was a refreshing change to hear from a godly man. When it comes to relationships, like many out there, I have ideals. This is evidently a result of too much Hollywood drama!!! Today when this friend of mine shared, I didn’t just sense words, but concrete plans to prepare oneself towards a new phase. Truth be told, I wanted to laugh, no, I could not help myself, instead I went into peals of laughter. I am hopeless when it comes to containing my joy, amusement and thrill. Maybe I was a little amused when my friend explained everything in all seriousness. In retrospect, what’s wrong that that? Haha.

We went on to talk about prayer-the power, the joy, and the assurance ☺ Prayer is also a way of submitting to God the situation and ourselves. Certainly encouraging to hear about people praying each step of the relationship!!!

And it brought to mind how as I get really busy with my work and MORE WORK, it is so habitual for me find comfort in pain. Masochistic? I mean, isn’t it the same with most of us? When we’re rushing to meet deadlines, as we do last minute cramming, we often find comfort in the face that a friend is in the same boat as us. The comfort we get to know that we’re not alone is short-lived but still we cling on to it. It offers neither strength nor real comfort!!!

Let’s not even bother pointing finger. I AM AN AMBASSADOR FOR SUCH AN ATTITUDE.

What happened to praying? When we see a friend distressed and panda eyed because of the workload, at best, we go “jia you!”… I want to get into the habit of praying again. It makes a difference when God is involved. Time to get out of my own bubble. Personally, I can testify the joy and assurance I got when I actually witnessed someone praying for me when I was stressed. Amazing. Also, it serves as a reminder to those around that in all we do, we go to the Lord first in prayer because He’s the director!

Today, I want to pray for my good friends and all those who are mugging!!

Dear Lord, grant me strength

2010-03-03T00:57:00.001+09:00

My checklist
• Read Les Liaisons Dangereuses by tomorrow
• 2 journal entries ASAP
• Go through CB notes and do analysis by next wed
• Consolidate supernova notes and delegate work by tomorrow
• Prepare marketing tute
• Study for marketing test on tues
• Prepare BS
• Research, compare, evaluate, analyze Singapore theatre companies sponsors
• Start working on voice essay
• Study for CB test next Fri
• 80 X 80 painting
• Email Mr. J
• Voice readings

Dear Lord, grant me strength!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s strange. I waited for an entire week to meet someone and now, I’m actually scared to meet the person. S-T-U-P-I-D!!!!!!!

Back to work ☺

mimby-shape of my heart

2010-02-22T09:31:00.000+09:00

Yesterday, we had MIMBY-Shape of My heart.
I think the song that I liked best performed by SYFC Parts was the Backstreet Boys medley. It was so corny, but I guessed they pulled it off. It amused my group greatly. HAHA. Ji Ye, Sherm and I were cracking our brains over what to write on what we think love is. And we came up with some really whacky ideas. And I think this is my favourite pick for the night.

Love is…
1) Like a box of chocolate. You end up putting on weight
2) Like a stalk of rose, beautiful but it has its thorns
3) Like your security blanket. You want it. You need it. You remember it.

And I think this is my favourite pick for the night.

Love is…
like hair. There are good days and there are bad days. It needs to be moisturized, conditioned, trimmed, brushed=effort.

stupid tacos

2010-02-18T11:45:00.003+09:00

*sigh*

I never fail to amaze/amuse myself.

I was supposed to search for taco recipe for tonight's dinner.
Ps: The recipes all demands too much of me. Why did I suggest this???

Anyway, I got carried away at tastespotting and ended up looking at taco art!!
Those dudes would do art on taco. And it was amazing!!

So this is how my search engine moved
taco recipes--> taco art-->food art

And I have still yet to find a manageable taco recipe. Goodness.

Mama, live well! :)

2010-02-15T14:37:00.001+09:00

CNY.
I do not enjoy it. Why do we need a particular month to stuff our faces silly?! Then parents go crazy cooking non stop, and nag at us to spring clean the entire house, then we visit houses after houses, and create small talks. If we were really genuinely concern about our familial relations, we probably would not need a particular 3 days to get it done isn’t it? How peculiar.

Yesterday, at my grandmother’s house, I felt a sense of loss.
Language.

I couldn’t communicate with my grandmother because I could not speak the language, and she couldn’t speak mine. Still, I sat there, listening as I always do, and answering with the bare minimal of teochew that I know. My grandmother makes really good food, but yesterday as she talked about the mee siam that she made the day before, I realized that when she’s gone, that art would be lost. That taste could never be recovered. Truth be told, I have never particularly craved for her home cooked food. Sure, it was delicious, but to crave for it, I cannot recall. But, when I was little, when my grandma was too busy preparing her great feasts for goodness knows who and did not have time to prepare lunch for me, she’d cook me instant noodles. Something simple. However, it was lip smacking!

It was as though she knew the exact timing to make sure that the noodles are still chewy by the time I dilly dally to the dining table. There will always be enough soup for me to satisfy that salt craving, and yet make me crave for more next time. Once in a while, she’d throw in an egg and it would be cooked to perfection. All these, I remember them well.

We are really a generation apart. The first time I cooked for her was pasta. I remember the praises she had for me. And the only English word she knew was good; and she said it throughout the meal, at times even giving a thumb up. My grandmother is so cute I could squeeze her… but I fear for her brittle bones.

Every cny, she tells me the same thing: keep your ang pow properly. Don’t anyhow give cheated by your friends.

For the past 20 years, she has told me the same thing. She still thinks I’m a little girl. That little girl no longer enjoys tic tac and polo sweets. However, she still buys me those once in a blue moon. Yesterday, she thrust this huge bottle of pineapple tarts even though I have not touched one for years… and she said, “your favourite.”

I think I want to spend more time with my grandmother this year. I may not understand the language. But I can listen to her even though she may say the same thing a gazillion times. I want to cook for her even, because even though my grandmother is a fantastic cook, she is an adventurous eater too! Most importantly, I know she enjoys my company. ☺ ☺

easily read... maybe

2010-02-15T01:44:00.002+09:00

Just read Love Letters by A.R. Gurney.
It was absolutely brilliant. Strange as it sounds, I sat in my little corner reading the script laughing to myself, frowning a little at some point, half wishing Andy would make a move, and before I knew it, I felt a tear trickle down my face.

It was not your typical love story where boy meet girl. Boy fall in love with girl. Or both. They face obstacles and then they overcome all odds and all becomes good at the end. No, Love Letters does not adhere to this.

There were a few parts that I really liked.

“ I love writing you. You most of all. I always have. I feel like a true lover when I’m writing you. This letter, which I’m writing with my own hand, with my own pen, in my own penmanship, comes from me and no one else, and is a present of myself to you…No, this is just me, me the way I write, the way my writing is, the way I want to be to you, giving myself to you across a distance, not keeping or retaining any part of it for myself, giving you this piece of myself to you totally, and you can tear me up and throw me out, or keep me, and read me today, tomorrow, any time you want until you die. “

I thought that was so true. There is an ineffable thrill of receiving letters and cards from someone. To know that someone took that effort to write and give a part of themselves to you… it is a sweet tingling feeling.

That night, my friends and I had a sleep over. It was planned at the last minute and to be honest, the preparation for it drove my friend and I up the wall. Before that, we went to Timbre for drinks; although my drink at Timbre was disappointing, but the song dedication and the trivia game that we played made it pretty memorable. The squeals of laughter, the strange way how each of us were getting a particular category no matter how I shuffled the cards-man… ☺
I guess the only regret I had that night was not attempting to go deeper, to share my true feelings about certain issues.

In short, to cast away those fears, inhibitions, and citing that it was not the right moment.

As we grow up, we stop parading our emotions… perhaps one day we’d grow numb to it.

One thing I treasure about the sleepover was that even though our birthday surprise was a complete flop, we did all we could within that short span of time. Together, we shared many first times and for once, we spent a great deal of time together even though the next day, I wanted to crash during my seminar.

***

Over the week, I also bumped into an old friend and my heart sank when I found out that things would have to change for real come September. The event was unanticipated and uncanny. And I recall what one of my friend said “the matter now is that Singapore does not want us. How sad is that?” He said it in such despondence that for once, I felt like someone love the country, be it for political, social or economic reasons, but someone love the country to want to stay, but circumstances does not allow him to do so.

Now, more of my friends are leaving. Ky, Denise, Srrijit, Mel, Michael………

Cheers to great time!!!! And Korean food soon ky and denise!!!

amused at 4am

2010-02-04T12:37:00.001+09:00

i want to sit there and think

2010-02-03T13:00:00.001+09:00

I march on..

2010-02-01T01:39:00.000+09:00

After watching The Blind Side, I kept thinking about courage.

What is courage?
When do I need courage?

The night before, my good friend and I had this very long message conversation about school and the new year. We shared about the uncertainty of this new year and some of our desires.
Suddenly, we no longer wanted to grow up so we came up with a farcical future of what will happen in the future.

BUT that did not prevent us from thinking about the issue-the one that weigh our heart down.

:’(

It hurts when the answer that you hope to hear never makes it your ear. And since as much as I would love to run away, to push away all thoughts, to continue living my life as though nothing happened, I couldn't!! Subsequently, I watched the blind side and it was an amazing movie. There were so many moments that I wished would never end. The words captivated me, the plot moved me to tears, the songs were so apt. Most importantly, as I sat there watching the credits roll, I silently told myself, “yes gloria, it’s time to summon all your courage for 2010”.

I read a couple of passages that talked about courage and what I gathered about courage is that:

Courage is holding on to our confidence in God to face what's ahead of us. And when we come face to face with the issue, we stand boldly and firmly determined to live a life that is a witness for Christ because He is our hope.

Like what Michael said in the movie,
“Sometimes you might not even know why you’re doing something. I mean, any fool can have courage. But honor, that’s the real reason you either do something or you don’t. It’s who you want to be. “

*sigh* The words are easy to articulate but the actions are difficult to carry through. Nonetheless, I think I am slowly letting my perspectives and mindset be changed, and find courage by seeking first ye His kingdom.

What is courage?

2010-01-28T01:46:00.001+09:00

Nellis told me to watch The Blind Side and all I got from her was a “you must watch!! It’s so sad!!!” response. No matter how I phrased or paraphrased my questions about the show, the response was the same. So watching this show was not on my priority list. However, I ended up watching it today.

That show made me laugh, it made me weep, and it made me think.
I remember tearing quite badly when they used non-diegetic voice over for the literature essay. One line stuck with me the entire night

“Sometimes you might not even know why you’re doing something. Any fool can have courage; but honour-that’s the real reason why you either do something or you don’t”

So what is courage? Suddenly I wasn’t too sure myself.
It is easy to compliment someone for their courageous act, or admire someone for their courage to stand up for something that they believe it, to do the right thing and well, the list goes on. What exactly is courage?!

I’m on a quest to find out.

oh carol, i am but a foollllll

2010-01-25T13:52:00.003+09:00

Yesterday night, my dear helmet head completely cracked me up with a youtube video that she posted of herself.

She's the epitome of bored and lazy to study for her exams :) Can't wait to see you once again in MAY! :)

MISS YOU!!! <3

SERVE boot camp

2010-01-22T02:07:00.001+09:00

7 cabs rejected me because they had no idea where was the destination I wanted to go. It was frustrating and it completely ruined my morning. I felt very bad that I was late for the SERVE camp. By the time I arrived, they were in the midst of worship and there I was still catching my breath. I saw some of the youths singing unto the Lord with much sincerity and even when they didn’t know how to sing the song, they tried to sing along, making sure that the words that come out of their mouth matters. It encouraged me because on Sundays, when I am tired due to the lack of rest, my mouth move because it has become an implicit memory. How terrible to not be aware of who and why we worship. It was an interesting change to be observing for a few minutes.

Initially I did not want to go for the SERVE camp, but since Vee needed help, I decided to go ahead. Boy am I glad I went for it because I met my secondary school classmate and got to know 2 girls really well. In fact, we had a fantastic time together through the hours spent together!

Honestly, I thought I just had to ensure the kids’ safety on the ground. It sounds manageable right? Until Pastor Samuel told me that I will actually be going on the rope course with them. This would be my 4th rope course, and probably one of the easiest courses because it was not that high. However, i started to get butterflies in my stomach as we put on our harness. It is a great responsibility to be a guardian of youths you barely know, and more so because I am not 21 yet. On top of that, it has been 3-4 years since I last went on such a course so I was pretty uncertain about how well I would be able to handle it. As a helper, I could not show my fear too because the kids were rather frightened too. So I ended up talking to them about SERVE, O levels, boyfriends, and lame jokes. We bonded so well that, by the end of the day besides forging good friendship, they bullied me. And Kerine even screamed that she love me on the way down the last flying fox. What a cupcake! Haha.

It was physically and mentally tiring. At the last station, after checking their safety and giving them the green light to continue on, I forgot to check mine!!! Thank God for his mercy that I realized halfway while climbing so I quickly climbed down to hook myself up.

Nonetheless, I thank God for the opportunity to mix around with all these young people. Love their energy, their perseverance, their immature games and jokes and the amount of fun they gave me. They remind me why I am still serving in SPY and not in SPI or Desire.

I resolve to not be involved in any MIMBY committee this year because I felt that doing so shifted my priorities from the young ones to the older ones. Of course the older ones were easier because they are my peers so we share similar likes and expectations when it comes planning for events for our friends. Being heavily involved in MIMBY last year taught me much but it also left me hanging in between.

Hopefully my involvement in SPY this year through Marchilorian and RTTP will be just as meaningful and joyful.
Helping out with the SERVE boot camp reminded me that every youth is precious and if guided well, accompanied by God’s grace, they will blossom to be instrument of His.

With aching arms, I will still thank God for yesterday’s experience and renewed perspective for the youths.

everything in its time

2010-01-16T12:08:00.003+09:00

I am not Corrine May fan, but the tune is stuck in my head after having heard it while my mp3 was on shuffle.
With such a small cohort in my department, I am frequently impressed by the thoughts that some of my peers articulate. While inferiority have not set in, I want to remember to take a knee. Like what I learnt through the study of Ecclesiastes..
To seek,
To depend,
To thank God

Everything In Its Time

Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead
How long till my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
So many people on this merry-go-round

Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer,
To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and I try to pray
In the silence I can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

'cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time
Everything in its time

Man's purpose

2010-01-11T18:28:00.002+09:00

“A lot of people enjoy reading. But reading tastes differ widely. Some people only read newspapers or comics, some like reading novels, while others prefer books on astronomy, wildlife, or technological discoveries.
If I happen to be interested in horses or precious stones, I cannot expect everyone else to share my enthusiasm. If I watch all the sports programs on TV with great pleasure, I must put up with the fact that other people find sports boring.
Is there nothing that interests us all? Is there nothing that concerns everyone-no matter who they are or where they live in the world? Yes, dear Sophie, there are questions that certainly should interest everyone. They are precisely the questions this course is about.
What is the most important thing in life? If we ask someone living on the edge of starvation, the answer is food. If we ask someone dying of cold, the answer is warmth. If we put the same question to someone who feels lonely and isolated, the answer will probably be the company of other people.
But when these basic needs have been satisfied-will there be something that everybody needs? Philosophers think so. They believe that man cannot live by bread alone. Of course everyone needs food. And everyone needs love and care. But there is something else-apart from that-which everyone needs, and that is to figure out who we are and why we are here. “ –Sophie’s World

When I read this extract from Sophie’s World, I was blown away. Isn’t it talking about the purpose of life?

Recently, I was reading something a friend wrote to me that made me sad. She was put in a new environment, both by circumstance and choice. She told me that she felt invigorated, and that she was glad that she is where she is now. The world was bigger than she imagined and she bade those days of being a frog in the well goodbye.

That got me wondering if there were moments in my life where I felt the same way as she did.

I mused to myself, what are the things that give me pleasure/has the potential to give me much pleasure
- hanging out with my friends
- traveling
- watching my Korean variety shows
- listening to songs
- skydiving
- rock climbing
- playing silly games with my friends
- playing floorball
- graduate road trip
- tulips
- seeing my love ones happy ☺
- baking
- reading a good book
- great conversations with friends and family
- people watch
The list can go on… and I thought to myself…ok… the sort of satisfaction I get from the above are cool. I laugh myself silly, and fall head over heels over a Korean guy that I grew to like while watching those variety shows, but after the season ends, and my mindless entertainment needs have been satisfied. What’s next?

Oh boy, don’t those famous words by King Solomon pop into your head? That ‘M’ word…Haha.

I thank God for giving me purpose in my life-that life on earth isn’t just about getting better grades than that person in class, or about finding my life partner in the not so amazing social market.

I thank God for the times where I can hang out with my friends and encourage them in any way I can.
I thank God for the times he allowed me to travel so that I can marvel at His creation and return home refreshed with all that reflection done overseas.
I thank God for friends who will listen to me and even come for events when I invite them.
I thank God for sending His son, Jesus, to die for my sins.

This holidays, after all that cycling, triking, running, visiting the zoo trip, exploring the great outdoors in the blazing hot sun, I close the last page of the holidays with a heat exhaustion. :( Bleah~

It is a terrible feeling.
one take away lesson-Don't go out in the blazing hot sun for days.

some goals for 2010

2010-01-05T18:24:00.002+09:00

Went cycling last night and this morning. Man, I love peddling away and having aching butt after that. If only the sun was a little kinder to my skin. ☹

From Jan-Jun, I hope to…
-meet up with my members on a more regular basis
-sleep when necessary
-not get entangled in sticky situations
-set aside some time for KC pods
-be more focused on God in both studies and ministry
-enjoy every situation and thank God for it
-improve my floorball skill
-spend some time emailing/skype/emailing my friends who are across the water across the deep blue sea
-procrastinate less
-save money

hello 2010!

2010-01-04T16:51:00.001+09:00

Sayonara 2009.

2009 flashed by and I would say it was a pretty good year. There were many peaks of stressful period, but there were some fantastic moment of rest as well.

I am growing up. In the past, I often shared that when I get stressed out, pushing God aside was the first thing I would do. Relying on my own strength seemed easier because I was brought up in a culture that tells me that our effort ought to allow us to see some form of result. However, this year, by the grace of God and the encouragement of friends, trusting God and praying became the choice to respond rather than one of the many options. Of course, I still falter, I still fall, but God pulls me back with a gentle rebuke and sometimes with a bad fall. But all turned out good in the end.

Having free time is a luxury good. I felt bad for not being able to spend much time especially with Faith and Rebecca. How to minister to them if I do not meet them? It was tough. But I thank God for them, their growth is not my effort, but by the grace of God and during this retreat…I saw love.

In the youth ministry, nothing is constant. Every youth is different-some are quiet, some are noisy, some only have a single interest so it can be hard to click to them especially if the interest is different, some demand more time, others demand more space, then there are those who come from broken family, or those who are so insecure precisely because they have everything and anything they want.

Some are easier for me to love, others, not so…

During the retreat, my member demonstrated to me what it means to love. Among friends, there were some conflicts, not that it was unusual, but hearing about the situation as a third person, I had certain opinions and thought one of the party was unreasonable. I got frustrated and annoyed because it happened a few times but after a few hours, this member will hug and treat the other member well, as though no conflict had ever occur. I was amazed.

In the dead of the night while preparing for Ecclesiastes, I realized that it was self centeredness on my part. I did not want myself or my member to feel a sense of unjust. That’s the same as “I am in the right, the other person is in the wrong”. But through my member’s action, I saw love and acceptance. ☺ That is one take away for me during this retreat I guess.

For the past few years in ministry, I D-R-E-A-D teaching. I can be really melodramatic about it. Like when Ivy told me I was teaching during this retreat, I was calm, until an hour later… my head was on the table, and I was going nooooo, and in the inside of my head I saw myself running in circles and screaming. Haha. Well, it has gotten better this year.

I recall the meeting with Vee, Amy and Peng at Starbucks where I was encouraged by Rom, Peng and Vee’s fervor and this great sense of urgency to impart the teachings of Ecclesiastes. I often see leaders being busy preparing lessons, but this time, before we sat down to prepare the lesson outline, we found out the reason for this particular book for the retreat, and that helped to prepare my heart to be ready to teach. The fear was still there, but each time I read and re-read Ecclesiastes, I felt like standing on the chair and saying it out loud. I could imagine the different intonation, the emotions and the things that were probably running through King Solomon’s head as he wrote that. It felt like a monologue meant for the audience to hear. Each time I read, I found myself reflecting upon my own life. And even though I stayed up late the night before, I didn’t feel tired the next day!! God gave me that desire to teach, that excitement to share what I have learned with the youths. It was cool!

Seeing the youths run WILD with excitement when we had the little activity before the teaching made me excited too. Especially when I raided the gambling den…man, that expression on their faces was enough to make me laugh my head off. ☺

I thank God for the opportunity to teach during this retreat. To have renewed perspective about teaching, to experience that joy of teaching God’s word in a group setting, and even though BS is not the hottest thing in town as evident during the activity, I thank God for willing hearts not just for myself but the younger ones too that they are willing to sit down to study God’s word.

2-3 years back, Romans led during worship and the song trust his heart made me sing with this big grin on my face.

Trust His Heart

All things work for our good
though sometimes we cant see how they could.
Struggles that break our hearts in two
sometimes blind us to the truth.
Our Father knows whats best for us;
His ways are not our own.
So, when your pathway grows dim,
and you just cant see Him,
Remember Hes still on the throne.

God is too wise to be mistaken.
God is too good to be unkind.
So when you dont understand,
when you dont see His plan,
When you cant trace His hand, trust His heart.

He sees the Master plan.
He holds the future in His hands.
So dont live as those who have no hope.
All our hope is found in Him.
We walk in present knowledge,
but He sees the first and the last.
And like a tapestry, Hes weaving you and me
to someday be just like Him.

God is too wise to be mistaken.
God is too good to be unkind.
So when you dont understand,
when you dont see His plan,
When you cant trace His hand, trust His heart.

I am going to make this the theme song for the first 6 months of 2010!!! :D

Ok, enough of reflection for today. I will continue another day. Man, I wish we could put our thoughts into liquid like in Harry Potter! Haha. Off to the beach with my sick friend later for some QT! :D

Christmas

2009-12-26T12:53:00.002+09:00

aww... saw this mtv this morning. I like it.

Oh sweet Christmas

2009-12-25T23:07:00.000+09:00

I really enjoyed this Christmas even though it was BUSY with font size 100. There was such joy and satisfaction when I finally finished writing all the Christmas cards and baking all the cookies. Writing the cards was the most tedious part. Really spent nights decorating the cards, thinking about what to write, and laughing to myself as I recall all those memorable memories of 2009. I must have looked real psychotic laughing to myself as I wrote cards in the middle of the night.

It felt like I was at my most sincere! WAHAHHA. All my heart, love, sweat and blood went into doing it man.

After spending so much time with a friend, she is now down with shingles. ☹ Poor thing. Now she’s going to be sick and home alone. Glad we crammed as much fun as we could before that cause now she’s quarantined. ☹ And I really hate to say this but I feel extremely vulnerable now because I have NEVER gotten chickenpox.. Apparently I already have the virus in me… it’s just not activated. It better jolly well stay that way. Yes, my Lord will watch over me. ☺

There was one night where I couldn’t sleep after reading Ecclesiastes.

Eccl. 1:1 The words of the Preacher, the son of David, king in Jerusalem. 2 “Vanity of vanities,” says the Preacher, “Vanity of vanities! All is vanity.”

Meaninglessness: In Hebrew, Hebel means “vapour”, “breath’, hence something weak and fleeting-a vain and futile thing.
Does that mean that EVERYTHING we do is in vain and absolutely futile?

I was dumbfounded after reading it man. Another version uses the word meaningless. It is a very interesting book and as much as I do not like teaching because I have this fear that I will not be able to teach properly and the students will get nothing out of it, I am also partly excited to study it.

Ecclesiastes talks about finding meaning in life. Guess I find it very relevant to me because as much as I know that to have a purposeful life, God should be included in the picture in all that I do. But what does it mean? What about the wisdom I have? Are they really wise? What about my pride? What about being practical and wanting to live a comfortable life?

Questions oh questions. I really wanted to stab myself when I read the ending. Want to find out more? Go read Ecclesiastes. I will blog more about it after I study it. ☺

Till then…
Have a Merry Christmas! ☺

stab self

2009-12-21T02:34:00.001+09:00

Tonight is a night of settling MIMBY stuff. There's no time.

I think this dec things are going at bullet speed.

:'(

never saw blue like that

2009-12-18T01:47:00.003+09:00

I feel so beaten.
So defeated.

And tonight I told myself I don't think I will be able to make it through.
But that is not an option. It cannot be.

*sigh*

I feel like Calvin. I wish I had a Hobbes to hug too.

Give me oil in my lamp

2009-12-17T13:17:00.001+09:00

I am typing this using my newly downloaded ommwriter that Jon introduced me to.
It is a software that blocks out all distractions. A winter landscape fills the background with 2 lonesome trees covered with snow. I alsmost feel like I am sitting on a blanket of snow breathing the cold air with my macbook giving me some warmth as I type.

Recently i have been feeling a little stressed. There are so manh things to settle for MIMBY!! Some nights I find myself writing down the list of things I have to do... but I never knew where to start. So I do other things like chat to people online, read more Calvin and Hobbes comics even though I may have probably read most of them, and still laugh at the same fascinating childlike wonder response, It's strange isn't it? December feels extremely busy, like an old grandfather clock that continues to tick for generations. Never stopping, always going, and still having that sense of beauty and charm.

Christmas. We can sing joyful joyful, and dream of silver bells, and ask the passer bys if they can hear the angels sing... but in the midst of all the hustle and bustle, I asked myself how come I am secretly wishing tis Christmas was pass by faster (to some extent)? Did the Grinch stole Christmas? Nah. For a while, Christmas wasn't in my heart... it consisted on memorizing carols, doing props, preparing decor, meeting deadlines, and anticipating the end.
Wasn't Christmas supposed to be
CHRIST. MasterAndSaviour?

Recently, I was doing my QT (after some time of absence) and I thought that in my desire to run away from everything, to spend some time doing absolutely nothing...I thought i was standing still. Not moving forward, not moving backwards. But no, I thought wrong.

In John 1:23,31, John's ministry was to prepare the nation for the messiah, and to point Him out when he Came. And in the passage, John humbly sought God and seeked to be a lamp-a reflector of the light. The song "give me oil in my lamp, give me burning; give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning I pray..." comed to minds.

John MacArthur put it very nicely.
We are never just standing still. We're either icnreasing our resemblance to CHrist's character, or we're looking more like ourselves-more controlled by our own desires and appetites.

It's time to ask God to give me oil in my lamp.

***

I realised that I do not really fancy war books. They are too depressing. Somehow every minute action becomes amplified-a scratch, the itch, the colour of the bile, the sound of the railways, the sound of silence, the features of a body-it is almost like the people only start to make careful observations, to etch to one's memory about a person for everyday, every moment could be their last. :\

impromptu cycling trip

2009-12-14T21:59:00.000+09:00

My friend and I went cycling from morn-4 plus…
Best part of the day: none of us brought a cent with us or a bottle of water.
End of the day: Sun burnt, dehydrated, and secret desire to kill each other.

I. Am. So. Tired.

But I really enjoyed the ride to Changi Village. The route that I liked best was when we were near the airplane runway.

Made me want to be a pilot so that I can travel around, get paid and experience different cultures. I’d think about it.

aloha i am back

2009-12-14T12:16:00.003+09:00

I have finished reading “Monster Love” by Carol Topolski. What a scary book. It depicted a family that was the envy of everybody because they lived the ‘ideal’ life…until one day the body of the kid was found in a cage, with the mouth open, it seemed to be screaming but yet all was left and found was an empty scream and the case unfolds, from the dysfunctional parents’ family, social workers, jury, lawyers, judge… everybody had an opinion and was affected in a way. I hate the plot! It haunts me. But at the same time, the way the writer described the emotions, presented views from different perspectives and showcased a spectrum of narratives was so powerful that I felt abashed.

*shudders*

Today, I am going to start on Tokyo Year Zero The First In The Tokyo Trilogy by David Peace.

Yesterday was my MENtees’ birthday. I baked them a strawberry cheesecake. ☺ Doubt I’d bake any cake for a while. Too much work. :\ Becky and I sat at the beach yesterday and had a nice walk home where we talked about everything and anything. I guess it was the first time I shared with my member about the ministry that I am serving in, my countless lectures on relationships, the struggles I faced and my plans for next year.

“the hardest part was letting go, not taking part”-Coldplay

Part of my plans for next year involves letting go. It was a difficult prayer to make. It is more comfortable to remain where I am, but it’s not all about me. I remember an Oprah show that I watched about a 10 year old child who suffered from extreme neglect from her parents and as a 10 year old child, she had the brain of a 1 year old child, and acted like a 2 month old kid. Now, the adoptive parents are employing development psychology on her hoping that the nerves of her brain would get stimulated and grow. It was very sad watching the result of neglect during a child’s formative year! You know, sometimes I wished I took the intro to social work module. HAHA.

There’s one thing I really miss doing-playing floorball. Now that the TMT team are back, we’re too busy with Christmasing, Banquet and MIMBY! :’(

The weather is great. I shall go cycling. ☺
More musings…..

Quietly I will go

2009-11-27T16:29:00.002+09:00

To be irresponsible is to leave without a word.

Someone told me no, it's just giving yourself some space.

And i know in the deep recesses of my heart, that person is wrong, so is my thought.

it warms the inside just like it should

2009-11-25T16:01:00.001+09:00

I should be studying now, but I just have to pen down the wonderful memories from yesterday.

It has been close to one year since I hung out together with my 2 very good friends. As a tradition, we cooked a dish each. ☺ Or at least, Sara and I did.

Starters: warm tortilla chips with melted cheese
Main: Mushroom pasta
Dessert: (the unbaked) Apple crumble Cookies and cream ice cream

The squeals of delight to be reunited once again and the joy of seeing one another once again felt too good to be true that Gera asked if I was real. Everything felt too surreal, and I understood why because as much as we wanted to just shower words of love, we ended up teasing each other about our flaws, our inconsistencies, our scandals, and being all childish with the little bets, and sharing secrets just to annoy the other. ☺ Doping each other's drink to get all the secrets out.

Strange as it sounds, yesterday’s conversations made me realize how we’re all growing up. Soon, we’d be busy preparing for the big W. It is amazing how we’re all so different, one is in love with rocks and kangaroo poo, the other with the brain and the stomach, while the other in visual and performing arts. What a diverse interest, but we still had so much to talk about!!!

At the end of the day, I believe in fair trade.
Pepper and tuna sandwich, cheesecake next! ☺

“ 'Cause this is real, and this is good.
It warms the inside just like it should,
but most of all it's built to last.”

-Built to last by Melee

<3

fb, my new addiction

2009-11-23T12:21:00.000+09:00

Recently, I have been spending more time with my bff. :)
For someone who does not enjoy supper, I found myself enjoying that little supper that we had. It was nothing spectacular. Just some nice hot drink in the cold air and a little drizzle, complemented by a good friend. We sat there for ages sharing about some of our problems, the stress, the future, pods, ministry.... :)

Honestly, I felt overwhelmed, and am still overwhelmed by the fact that so many of them are going for TMT next week. There was this sense of nostalgia before nostalgia. It is easy to be comfortable with the people i love, it is a joy to be serving with like-minded people, and it is a blessing to have such people around me to encourage, to love, to teach one another. I was beginning to dread the day the people leave for TMT!!!! :( But that layer of dread is slowly peeling.

Yesterday, I played floorball with Becky, Rachel, Fish, Jie En, Linda, Jere boy, Mike, Ranald, Aaron, Zhi Hao, Shaun, Marcus, Sarah and Nick.... Perhaps it has been a long time since I played, but it could also be the fact that I have not seen these O level people for a long time....the thing is, I like how we bond over a game! :) The little screams of joy, shouting across the court to encourage one another, having our jaws drop over the unexpected goal, a little boasting here and there, or maybe just me.... But seeing everybody's bright faces with signs of tiredness, yet still ready to smile and say "good game!" just made me enjoy the sport. Not because of how good or lousy I am, but the fellowship I have and friendships forged over a simple game.

The difference between playing in school and in church is that in church, the people aren't there to win, to compete like there's this huge cup that they can hold up high and take tons of photos with. They are there to have some fun, and just spend time together. :)

Thank God for you guys.

Although I must say that my heart aches a little to see my blades having a lot of scratches just after a few hours!!!! But, oh well, it's part and parcel.

Oh, talk about people who keep you grounded in God's word.. Fish is a great friend.

There I was, having learnt some new skill on how to pass the ball back and forth and i was so thrilled that I got to put to use during the game when i was cornered by 3-4 people that I went to boast about it. It was such a joke the way I showed off that the few around me was so amused, moo's jaw dropped, the others laughed, i laughed so hard that I collapsed to the floor in laughter. Before I know it, i lose the ball because I was laughing so hard.

Yes, boasting is bad!!!

*sigh* The amount of entertainment I bring to the rest. :) :)

Let it be a 'yes'.

2009-11-17T23:02:00.002+09:00

"We seldom take the time to define what we say. We can seldom afford to, in case we give ourselves away. So we use a shorthand in our speaking. A code which only we can understand. We sum things up in a single word so as to hide their full meaning."

This is the part for my soliloquy where I step out of character and give a commentary, breaking the fourth wall in theatre, where i offer to the audience a perspective that challenges them to relate back to the society that they live in, and how can they move on from there.

Exam tomorrow!!

3 more days to the arrival of an important email
I am really hoping that it will be a 'Yes'.

not colloquial enough

2009-11-13T12:09:00.002+09:00

I love my ts group.
BUT I am so amused that we've probably got to be the ONLY group in the entire cohort to be struggling so much with our character. We were very adamant about doing a Singapore play. Then we want to stab ourselves trying to say the lines properly and as how any Singaporean would speak.

We can't. Or at least, not yet.

Do you sense dramatic irony?
Gosh...

True Blue Convent girl

2009-11-09T18:41:00.001+09:00

There’s this sense of nostalgia this week.

The constant rehearsals in preparation for the final TS performance reminded me of EMDD. The times where we made mistakes like failing to keep quiet when we have our mics with us, the long hours spent at Victoria Theatre, how we girls were always ready to offer each other words of encouragement, hug each other for comfort before and joy after each performance. And sincerely, whether we like a person or not, we genuinely wanted each one to perform her best. ☺

I really miss KC. Over the weekend, I read an article about being an IJ student is probably one of the best thing that can happen. I still recall that great sense of pride in decorating the class for CNY-I can still remember my class macaroni dragon that completely OWNED the entire cohort. Or the times the entire class united to play tricks on our teacher such as dusting the side of the chalkboard and waiting to see our maths tutor wipe it clean with his pants as he slide back and forth to present those maths answers. Absolutely brilliant. Well, I side-track. The article talked about how after school, every kid will be rushing off for their activities. There was more than enough room for every student to excel so there wasn’t a need to compete among us. Sure, my school had its niche area, but it did not focus solely on that. Every CCA has their own glory and have excelled. There wasn’t a better CCA than the other. For that, I grew to be more accepting, to see my classmates and schoolmates as individuals with much potential to grow wherever they are. We weren’t academically driven, but we were taught to be responsible students and children of God.

Perhaps it was the fact that my school appreciated and saw each one of us as talents that among my friends, we never saw each other as an opponent. I dare to say that our friendship was genuine. Perhaps, we grew up in an environment that taught us well.

Simple in virtue, steadfast in duty.

There was already a culture and a history that we could cling on to. A culture that was already set in place, not just in words, but in action, and it moulded us to embody the values that were imparted to us. The knowledge that we were part of the community, the blue convent girls, makes me happy.

Today, 2 student films were screened during lecture and my heart swelled with pride that I excitedly pointed out to my friend who was sitting beside me each time a scene featured my school.

Of course, my view of my school is bias. There were some unpleasant memories, but I can’t seem to go into detail about that. In fact, they seem trivial now. ☺

“Guide us in our labours, to the Lord we pray
In wisdom, strength and courage, growing day by day”

For the love of books

2009-11-04T03:22:00.003+09:00

I want my bf to be this sincere and romantic.

I am glad i donated $6, $2 for each time i sit in the forum to do my work... all for the cause of building a library in China. Yes, i wholeheartedly believe that reading is good. :)

Let's go away for a while...

2009-11-03T00:22:00.001+09:00

If there’s one thing I fear, that would be to feel so lonely that I choose to run away from it.
Spent quite some time last night praying and thinking about how to handle the crew next week. Praying that we can break the ice soon.

My friends and I have been planning our get away for months. When we’re all ready to settle our destination, air tickets etc… we face the biggest problem-no common free dates. What was supposed to be a week, was cut short to a few days, then a weekend, and now, we’d be thankful if ALL of us could spend a few hours together. Since our day schedules no longer meet, we are even prepared to not sleep and meet at night till the next day where we return to our busy schedule.

Margie asked if I want to go Taiwan with her this holidays. I’d consider. ☺

Sometimes I think the other schools are so weird. Instead of the usual grading system of A and Bs… this one graded me with a ‘quite good’. Man, should have seen how Amanda and I rolled our eyes when we got back our paper. Maybe it’s the stress that’s building up, we decided to rebel and skip next week’s lect to roam Singapore and catch a movie!!!

Let’s go babeeeeeeee

Ok, will blog something less frivolous the next time.

lonely

2009-11-01T00:59:00.001+09:00

Today, I felt lonely even though I was surrounded by people.

*sigh*

my pixie friend

2009-10-27T20:31:00.002+09:00

was talking to my bestfriend and i can't stop laughing.

Sometimes I think she knows me too well that I am torn between laughing or crying whenever she says I TOLD YOU SO.

Imagine this girl with a pixie face going "I told you sooooooooooo"

Annoying right?

<3

WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR SHORT TRIP????!!!!

2009-10-27T11:43:00.003+09:00

Yesterday, I was talking to sara, and I really hate how our school time table clash!!!!!!

Even a Friday evening-Sun night get away is tough! We've got to be the most busy people around. And I hate to go away in pairs, and not in our usual trio. :(

I guess we have to be contented with unspectacular reclaimed land, but wonderful friendships this December. It has been too long since the 3 of us hung out. Different schools, different continents... Completely looking forward to your return gerald!!!!

For now, back to work. *fight to keep awake*

Bye to Pulau Perhentian
Bye Nikoi island
No Gili Trawangan (and mushrooms!!!)

:(

lack of sleep

2009-10-26T04:07:00.000+09:00

Slept for a total of 5 hours for the past 3-4 days.

Thank God that I'm still alive.

Now, to catch some sleep, take a knee, and then continueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

The hardest part

2009-10-24T04:27:00.001+09:00

I just downloaded Coldplay's new album. It's free. No, not piracy..

I ABSOLUTELY LOVEEEEEEEEEEE THE HARDEST PART.

And the hardest part
Was letting go not taking part
Was the hardest part
And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining in the clouds
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go not taking part
You really broke my heart
And I tried to sing
But I couldn't think of anything
And that was the hardest part

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
You're a silver lining the clouds
Oh, and I
Oh, and I
I wonder what it's all about [x2]

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do it just comes undone
And everything is torn apart
Oh and thats the hardest part
That's the hardest part
Yeah, thats the hardest part
That's the hardest part

*sigh* No sleep tonight.